Grieving Hearts [Completed]

33-yes or no?(part 2)

Onika's POV........

Do I still love Agustin?

Do I still love Agustin?

Do I still love Agustin? I keep on chanting his words before I can completely process it.

Shouldn't I straight away say that I don't? Isn't that what I told myself again and again over two years. Then why is it so hard to push the world out of my mouth. It was as if I can hear it, analyse it but my brain was refusing to answer it and my heart started beating on its own accord.

It isn't supposed to hurt so much admitting that I don't love him anymore. It should be easy. Then why is my chest constricting in unbearable amount of pain.

Why do I feel like my heart will break into million pieces if I accept that same thing out loud when I have been convincing that to myself ever since I had left Agustin.

Does it even matter? I will love him again he will crush my love again because I know he won't change then how does it matter whether I love him or not, after all it was never about me loving him. It was he who failed....

Loving him have only given me pain. I am better off without it.

Even if I somehow still have some feelings for him I can never go back to him. The damage he had created can't be repaired now.

Whenever I see his face all the torture scene starts revolving in my mind. Fear starts taking over my whole being. Even if he lift his hand in affection I flinch back in fear that he will hit me. How am I supposed to live with him like this. I can't spend my lifetime in fear like this.

This relationship is completely jeopardised. It is never going to work. It will again end up in disaster.

Anyways what is more important then loving him is Forgiving him.

People say love forgives it all, forgiving someone is an act of greatness, that would make you the better person.

Then why do I feel it would be an act of cowardice if I forgive Agustin. Forgiving Agustin is easy than fighting him will ever be. How I want to give in and get over it. My heart breaks everyday seeing Agustin suffer.

But Is it right to forgive it all?

Will you forgive a person who does what Agustin did to me to your sister or your mother?

I guess no you can't. Then why do you have to forgive the person when the torture is on you? Because you love that person? Huh? The same person who crushed your love beneath his very shoes without a second thought. Who didn't gave a shit before torturing you to death.

I couldn't even forgive my father for what he did to my mother and Agustin had done far more worse to me than what my father did then how is forgiving Agustin justified? Won't that make me a hippocrate if I do.

Even after Agustin did so much to me, after everything that happened that night it was still hard for me to run away from him. Removing his wedding ring from my finger was one of the toughest thing that I have ever done.

May be a small part of me still can't bring itself to hate him but I will be doomed if I let that part govern my life. Not again. Not the same mistake again.

It's not just about letting go of the past, the main problem is I am not sure about my future with Agustin. I can't see a future with him..I have seen his caring side even before but then he became the monster out for blood, so how do I believe him this time, is where I am not able to decide what to do. I am afraid he is again going to do the same thing.

I can't go on experimenting every time I feel like Agustin needs a chance at least not now that I have Alex.

I can't just risk everything on what my heart says or want .