Pagan Poetry

Phil's Confession

My dear friend wrote this a few years ago.

This is my apology to the gods for the way I've lived my life.
~Pezz
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From the core of the gift that you gave me which is life, I offer only my humblest apologies which I know in the end have no meaning. I have squandered, and I have sated an appetite which never knew real hunger.

I have heard your voice through the wind that chimes amongst the trees and have chosen to turn deaf ear. I have seen you through the face of the red dragon that came for me yet I chose to turn a blind eye. The signals you give me through the voices in my life are unmistakable yet I act as if I don't see them like the rest. But I do. I see them, and that is how I deliver my greatest pain to myself; by ignoring you. Now like any great joker under the drunken moonlight I sing the song of, "this should not be." I thought I could play with life. I thought I could hide withing myself but you tore the stitching and the mask from my face to expose the predator underneath to bear the teeth amongst their fear.

Now I sit in wreckage, beautiful ruins of my delusions, feelings, and fear. Every time I tear down these foundations of life the pieces get smaller and harder to assemble. The fault lies only with me, I invite it into my bed like a welcomed lover. I have been at the cusp for years now, when I feel I should be atop the summit. I look with longing to the apple for a bite and the tree questions why I refuse to reach.

You saw me in the field, weeping like a newborn babe. Somehow amongst it all you saw me and decided I was worth a visit. With resounding love you offered me the gift so few receive, you presented me with something eternal. In front of your longing face I took your gift and I spat upon it and afterwards with such audacity I begged you to give me something temporary instead. You did not scold or lose temper, you still with all compassion, patience, and understanding you tried to point me in the right direction. Like a child I stomped my foot and demanded, I proclaimed with all mortal pride that I knew what I wanted. You have me, with hesitation what I screamed for all this time.

When temporary turned to ash I turned to puzzle like a fool. I scorned all that was within, without, and around the vibration, emitting the undeserved cries of a man that had been betrayed. Then when all was lost and I had made a sham of all that you had given me, what did you do but come and give me the blessed window to escape? After all the wrong I had woven like a security blanket, after all the apathy I had shoved at you with supernova force you felt it right to give me chance again. I jumped through that window and felt quickly solid ground supporting me. I stood and looked to the sky and was blinded as I should have been. I quickly looked down at the ground and refused to look back up and when I did I missed the chance to see the gift that was the outside world you had given me. You let me walk and I have relingquished myself to travel alleys blindly with no way for sound to carry so no way to hear the truth. Yet somehow with the greatest shock the darkness of the alley began to repair my blinded eyes; the thin air of the in between teaching my ears to listen for the faintest coarsing of the wind between the towers. It has taken time and time again but once more I can see. It took lifetime and lifetime more but I can hear you again and even remembered the blessed name.

It took time I admit and I know it shouldn't have but I walk with sight again and tell you today with confidence that I will see the end of the tunnel. I know what's important now and I see where I end and where I begin. You have let me walk the alley to the mirror so I can see myself all the while subliminally pointing the way to become something more sincerely apologetic for my nature. I will take what is mine, and my nature. I will take what is mine, and you know I'd give it all away if it meant I'd lose you. I feel you. I love you.

Echoing,

Phillip Brad Sosa

Phillip Low-Pezz

Pezz

I am I