painsomnia

I groaned as I rolled over to check the time. The bright light of the alarm clock broadcasted that it was almost 4:30 a.m.

The only problem was I hadn't gone to sleep yet and I needed to get up in 2 & a half hours to get ready for the day. I haven't slept yet because of a frenemy I like to call painsomnia.

I had maxed out on my feeble dose of pain meds for the day and didn't want to spend my day today with none. My chest felt like it was being crushed with a vice and my hands tingled painfully like when you slept on them wrong. I reached out in the bed I'm grasped nothing but sheet as I formed it into a crushed ball.

A year ago today, my life had been completely different.

"Fuck it" I think as I sigh disparedly and reach over to one of the pill bottles on the side table of my bed. its a smaller bottle because my doctor is a colossal asshole. I pop out a pain med and put it in my mouth and drink it down with the bottle of Jack Daniels that is ever present by my side. that current method of sleep medication is not working.

I lay back and close my eyes but all I see were the flashes of memory from the day my world was reset. Like I was a faulty piece of electronics that had to be set to factory default.

Someone's car brakes squeak in the early morning as the world starts to awaken. it reminds me of the crash a year ago that took my beloved daughter Stylla into the ground and me into the realm of chronic pain, both physically and mentally.

my memory goes back to the few flashes of memory I remember. lights coming on the right, a crash, screaming and blackness.

I start awake, I must have fallen asleep or into nightmares for a moment. my pain is a degree or two lower.

I give sleep up as a bad job and slowly sit up with the help of the institutional looking bar that hangs above my bed, I swing myself into my chair and sleepily wheel myself to the coffee pot like it's a siren's call and I am Davy Jones.