I sat at the end of my freshly made, clean white bed. It was silent. I stared blankly at the pure black set of chester draws opposite from where my blood-stained chubby legs hung over, paying special attention to the bottom drawer for I knew what it held deep inside it. My mind was going crazy yet I maintained calm. Time was going by quickly, too quickly. I looked to my left at my small digital clock that I had gotten for my sixteenth birthday last sunday, the time wasn’t correct but if I had worked it out correctly, which I had, I had about nineteen minutes before my mum returned home to what could possibly be the biggest shock of her life. I slowly stood, making eye contact with my bloodshot eyes in my mothers old, black, vintage mirror that she hung up on my wall. I raised my hand to my face, stroking my sore cheeks patting them dry with the cuff of my black, soggy, hoodie. I took a deep breath, I lost my balance a little. I took one last glance at my hideous face which was now covered in smudged make-up giving me ‘panda eyes’. I sat down on the floor in front of my chester draws, running my short, chubby fingers over each groove of the pattern on each drawer until I reached the bottom. I took a moment to appreciate the sound of the children’s laughter just outside my window, one would occasionally yell excitedly “Tag, you’re it” or “I got you, now it is your turn”. ‘Oh, those were the days’ I muttered aloud with a sigh. Finally focusing on what mattered most to me in this exact moment of time, I stared back at the drawers and firmly grasped the shiny metal, chrome, handle and tugged at it until I could just about make out the silver, heart shaped trinket at the back, behind all of the paper work and old drawings from when I used to enjoy art. I picked up the trinket and turned it over a few times admiring its fine rose detailing on the back before finally gazing over at the digital clock which read 04:15 pm. I knew what this meant, I had been dreaming of this moment for the past month, imagining every detail until the moment is finally here. My mother would be arriving home in precisely fifteen minutes, she made this clear to me before she left, as if she knew what I was about to do. I felt a shiver through my spine, a tiny rush of adrenaline, this was really really happening, for the first time in forever I felt slightly happy which was very peculiar because of what was really happening. In exactly twenty minutes if everything goes to my thoroughly thought out plan, I won’t have to worry anymore about anything; self image, course work, exams, tests, school.. Anything, I will be completely free of everything. I placed the small trinket box, that I had been hiding for months, flat on the floor in front of me and carefully opening the clip that was holding it together, revealing what I had locked away there to stop the temptation. Well now it doesn’t matter, this is happening… I ran my fingers over each corner of the trinket until finally getting to the front, I took a deep breath before finally lifting the lid exposing what was inside.
A small cardbord package which read 'Paracetamol' accross the front in red bold lettering. I delicately untucked the tab at one end of the package making sure not to tear the box, pulled out the white plastic casing with a aluminum foil covered over it keeping the tiny 500mg capsuels enclosed inside, safe from childrens reach. In each box there was sixteen capsuels, I had four boxes, sixty-four capsuels all together. I wasnt sure wether that would be enough to actually do what was intended but I was pretty sure that it would be enough to put me in hospital. I used my slightly long fingernails to pierce the aluminum foil disclosing the pills of choice, of course they wasnt really my desired flavour, I would much prefered something strawberry or banana nether the less I had all sixty-four pills lined up. At the age of sixteen I didn't expect to be on my bedroom floor with a bunch of pills intending to commit suicide. Y'see I never thought life would be so terrible that I would not want to live, but that is life and life is shit. I gathered up about 5 pills at a time and swallowed them , anymore and I wouldn't be able to swallow and oh how tragic that would be.
4:20pm ten minutes, it will be all over. Now we just have to wait. I stood up and managed to fake a smile into the mirror, 'I have done it, I can finally be happy' I stuttered to myself a few times before turning around and laying back onto my bed, not at all worried about making a mess of it because I mean, that is the least of my worries. I reached over to my pillow case and gave it a tight squeeze, I reached inside it and pulled out my ready prepared suicide letter and re-read all of the squiggly hot pink writing, mainly just telling my beloved parents how sorry I am for being such a failure of a daughter. I lay it onto the white pillow of my double bed, on the left side. I began to feel sharp pains in my stomach, overdosing isn't all good but the pain will be gone soon, emotional and physical. I tried to ignore it, after all it is what I want. I stood up and reached for my hairbrush, it was my favourite one. It was one of those ones that have a cute little face on the back, mine had long blonde hair and rosy pink cheeks my great grandma had given me this when I was a little girl. I had better sort my hair out before my mum got back because I wanted to look somewhat presentable. This feels all to much like a sweet sweet dream that would soon come to an end.
4:25 Around five minutes from now my kind mother will drive her deep blue corsa up our drive, pull out her front door keys and unlock the door and yell up the stairs that she is home like always. The only difference this time is that I wont reply. Nobody will reply because nobody is here.
As I'm waiting for it to kick in I have a few last thoughts.. Some not as pleasant as others. It has occured to me that waiting for your death is kind of like waiting for a child to be born but just not as rewarding. I mean, it could take an hour, it could take five minutes you never quite know when it will happen but you know when it does you will be happy.
As the time is getting closer the pain is getting more and more unbareable, I'm getting stomach cramps worse than ever before, it feels like my whole stomach is being squished from my insides by a huge angry giant. Everything is getting fainter and fainter, I can hardly see but I can still sort of make out the happy cries of children outside my bedroom window when I hear the sound I have been dreading. I froze in place, there was no going back now, I was stiff, my entire body. I tried to call for help but there was no use, I just had to lay here and wait... The car door slammed shut and I heared the jingle of many keys on a key ring.
4:31 "I'm home! Are you okay?"
A look of horror washed over my mothers pretty little face, suddenly I couldn't see her sweet warming smile, her clean straight white teeth, prominant rosy pink cheek bones. All I could see was fear in her eyes as she broke down on the floor in floods of tears. She began screaming for help and nobody came. My sweet sweet mother, what did I do?
Dear Mum and Dad,
I'm so terribly sorry that life got so bad it came to this. Please do not think that this had ANYTHING to do with you because trust me, it did not. You meant the world to me and you still do even though I am not here to tell you this, you're living proof that there are amazing people in the world.
I am six-teen years and one week old and right from the day I was born, September thirtieth nineteen-ninety-eight, you gave me everything anyone could possibly ever want in life and more. I could not have asked for better parents, role models or better yet, friends. You have been there for me whenever I needed you and that was a lot of times. I'm just sorry it had to come down to this.
Goodbye, I love you.
