Destiny, Fate and Bad Timing

The Last Letter

Can I say you left me even if you were never really here? I ask myself that every damn day but I never get an answer. It just takes me back to that time—two months ago, when I was sitting in front of my laptop at nine o’clock in the evening. I’m going to copy-paste our entire conversation and add some comments of my own.

You: I gotta tell you something

Me: What is it?

You: I cant do this anymore.

Me: Funny. I’m cackling. Like a witch.

I was buying time. I had a feeling I knew what you meant, I just didn’t want to believe it.

You: I’m not joking, ger

Me: What are you trying to say?

You: Goodbye. im saying goodbye.

I was quiet for a moment because I couldn’t wrap my head around the obvious fact that you were going to “leave” me. I was thinking that if I didn’t reply, maybe you won’t go. How pathetic right?

Me: Colin quit it

You: Quit what?

Me: THIS! whatever the fuck youre doing

You: Ger im serious i cant do this anymore. its been a year. at least. do you really think this will work out the way we planned?

“Planned”. You used to say it as “plan”. Like, “We plan to have three kids, blah blah blah.” I realized you’ve thought of this for quite some time because you spat out “planned” like you were releasing a breath.

You: Im sorry.

Me: Why are you sorry?

You: Dammit ginger. look im sorry because im the one giving up on us when we both said none of us would. Im just so sorry i cant do this anymore. its because i feel like im holding us back from our lives. we have so much more to look forward to besides meeting each other.

Me: you know what fuck you colin. fuck you and your goddamn principles about life.

I ended up crying by the time I read “im the one giving up”. I sounded mad in my reply because I was. Kinda. You hurt me, Col. You hurt me bad. What else could I do? Anger is what I show when I’m hurt. It makes me look less of a screw up.

Me: You wanna leave right? just leave then. delete me from your contacts delete my pictures delete me from your fucking life see if i give a shit

You: I already did. the pictures, songs, videos, messages. your contact is the last one. Ger please dont be difficult. this is hard for me too.

Hard for you too, huh? I bet. If it was so “hard” for you, imagine how it was for me. I mean I really, really… thought you felt the same way I did for you.

Me: whatever

You: im sorry we didnt do the things we planned.

Here we go again with the “planned”.

Me: just leave colin. here ill make it easier for you.

That was when I deleted you from my Skype contacts. You’re welcome, by the way. At that moment, the back of my hand was already wet with tears that I had to wipe them on my shirt.

I sat there, staring at the display of my contacts without you in it. It seemed so wrong. You were like a missing puzzle piece in a creation that was complete. Seeing it made me cry even more, so I closed the laptop and went to my bed. I cried myself to sleep that night. And the next night, and the next night, and the night after that, and so on. I would be lying if I said I still didn’t cry about it. This will be my last letter to you because I hate you. I hate you, Colin fucking Adler. Thank you for ruining my life.