Choices

Shit?

"Jada, I am stressed the fuck out."

The month of April was quickly approaching meaning Kenny's birthday was just around the corner. Toni was racking her brain trying to figure out how she was going to spend it with him. Kenny told her that he was having a party and wanted her there, but she had Keri to think about it. After the argument between Keri and Toni, the night they left Maya's house after dinner, Keri was even more adamant about Toni staying far from Kenny. Of course she hasn't been staying away from him though. Toni has seen Kenny plenty of times since then (in secret), but she knew if she was to go to his party then she wouldn't be able to hide that from her husband. It would be too difficult to hide from the cameras all night and somehow not be posted on social media. So, she was considering a getaway for just the two of them after his birthday. Maybe a trip to some private island? She just wanted to go someplace special with him, where they could do whatever the hell they wanted without worrying about being found out. A getaway sounded perfect but there was so much at risk. Toni truly did not know what to do.

Jada pouted looking at her best friend with sympathy. "I know, boo. Keri's ass needs to grow up," she said. "You and Face have known each other for so damn long, you should be able to celebrate his birthday with him and without all the drama."

"Girl, Keri ain't trying to hear any of that. You know, I would probably be handling this situation differently and so much better if Ken and I hadn't slept together, but now that that man is back in my system I just can't stay away from him. And I'm not trying to hear anything Keri has to say about it!"

"Oh, you are down bad." Jada giggled.

"I'm not ashamed to admit that I am!" Toni laughed too, covering her face with her hands. "Ugh! Why is this love shit always so complicated?!"

"Girl, who are you telling? I would suggest that you persuade Keri into going with you to the party, but Kenny doesn't like him and that would be effed up to take him."

"Oh honey, that would be so wrong." Toni agreed. "And I wouldn't dare put those two in the same room again. Remember I told what happened at mama's house? Now when I'm spending time with Ken, I'm afraid to even bring Keri's name up and vice versa."

"Speaking of which, what is it like being with him? Don't get wrong, I love Face, but why was it so easy for you to just get back into this 'relationship' with him...after what? Nine years of radio silence?"

Toni took a deep breath to consider her next words. She wanted to process her thoughts before blurting out just anything. Before this moment she never really thought about this, and as she started to think about all the years she and Kenny spent on and off, tears began to well up in her eyes.

"Tone?" Jada gasp seeing her friend in near tears. "Girl, if I offended you, you know I didn't mean it. I-"

Toni lifted her hand to stop her. She tossed her head back as she chuckled and sighed, wiping her eyes. "Oh my god, I can be so damn dramatic! You didn't say anything wrong, J. I just started to process my relationship with Ken and whew- it has not always been pretty! We've been through some shit together!"

Jada placed her hand across her heart and sighed in relief- she was not the cause of her friend tears.

"Whew, shit! I thought it was something I had said!"

Toni chuckled again, shaking her head. "No, but it was what you asked. It's a really good question and since Ken and I have started this again, I've never taken a moment to think about 'why' I'm putting myself through it again, but the answer is so simple, and it is because I found out what life was like without him in it."

"Whew! Yeah.." Jada nodded, understanding. She felt that answer in her heart. It was simple yet so profound.

"And I don't want to seem like one of those chicks that can't function without a man, but I need him, J. Kenny was and is such a big part of my life's story. In and outside of my career, Ken was there. Yes, we did stop talking for nearly a decade, but I think those years apart were so important for us and they allowed us to grow individually which is also so important. It was easy falling back into this pattern with Ken because the love was still there and as I realized that it would never go away, it was easy to open myself up to him again. It isn't just sex with him. I can honestly say that I feel the happiest and the most at peace when I am with him. I can be my true, authentic self when I'm with Ken, and it is just the best feeling ever."