The Temporary Virginity of the American Player

25. Ryan Gosling's Got Nothing on This.

For the first real time, I was on a mission. It wasn't a mission to save the world. It was more like a mission to save myself. It's funny how we can ignore the things that are right in front of us instead of opening our eyes a little wider. I'd been wanting to free my penis for the past month, but all I really needed was to be around Lena. She, just everything she was, was enough. I needed her in front of me, next to me, whether on the beach or not. I didn't need her to leave. I didn't want her to leave. And I definitely wasn't ready to let one of the most important people in my life walk away.

It was pouring down rain when I ran outside to start up the Firebird and sped towards Lane's apartment. I tried to get there fast, unsure of whether Lena had already left for Boston or not. God, I hoped she wasn't gone yet. I had no idea what I was going to say to her to explain myself or the feelings Johnny had made me understand...what was I going to say? 'Hey, you're not allowed to leave because I love you?' There was no way she was going to take that explanation. By showing up at Lane's, I could endanger her dreams of going to Boston and pursuing her music career. I could throw a wrench in everything. But if I didn't, then I'd lose her.

It took me well over twenty minutes to finally arrive at Lane's apartment. When I did, I was surprised that I was still in one piece. I ran from the Firebird, through the rain, up the stairs, and pounded on Lane's door just as a big roll of thunder sounded from behind me.

"Open the door," I yelled, slamming my fist against the wood a few times. "Lane, open the door!"

It took longer than I would have preferred, but the door did open with a, "What the hell, man? What's going on?"

"Where's Lena," I asked, scratching beads of water out of my hair.

"Didn't she tell you? She left for Boston, man. About an hour ago, actually. Why?"

I swallowed hard, my insides crumbling like a smashed cookie. I didn't know what to think...or do...or even say. I'd been a complete idiot, driving out all this way for nothing. Of course she wouldn't be here. She'd even told me that she was leaving and I still tried to come to stop her. It was over. She was gone. I couldn't drive all the way to Boston to track her down.

She was gone.

I sat on the floor and sighed, little rain droplets bouncing off of the overhead canopy and hitting my forehead.

"You okay, man?"

I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes, letting it out before saying, "I don't know. I just...I...I don't know."

"What are you doing out here? It's late."

"I know. I'm sorry, man; I didn't mean to wake you up. I, um...I think I'm just gonna go."

"You wanna spend the night? I don't like the idea of you driving in the rain like this. You seem pretty worked up."

"I'll be fine," I said. "Thanks anyway."

I wasn't quite sure I believed my own words, but regardless of whether I did or not, I made my way back to the car, sulking as I walked in the rain like a bum. Lane watched me and called down, "Are you sure you don't want to just stay the night?" A roll of thunder came, preventing my answer. Oh, well. Not like I had the answer he wanted to hear. I knew I must have looked pretty pathetic, but I didn't know how else to react.

Lena was gone.

I'd screwed up.

I was an idiot. An idiot so blind that his downstairs blocked his eyes, brain, and heart all at the same time. I had let Lena disappear and I hadn't even realized what I had in front of my face the whole time while I was keeping my libido under control.