louise

remember

louise,

i was attempting to clean out the bathroom cabinet today, you know get rid of all your girly junk.

i found your bottle.

you know what bottle.

at first i yelled at myself.

"what the hell is your problem, barry?" i said. "why is this still here? you idiot!"

and i couldn't figure it out.

why did i still have the bottle?

then i remembered.

i remembered walking into my bathroom on that tuesday night and finding you on the floor, the bottle in your hand, and a note that read sorry taped to your shirt.

i remembered dropping to my knees and sobbing into your curly hair. 

i remembered begging you to wake up.

i remembered you not responding. you were always stubborn.

i remembered getting angry.

i remembered stuffing the bottle deep into the cabinet and slamming it shut, hoping to never see it again.

i forgot about it until today.

i remember blaming you.

i remember blaming you for everything.

did those pills taste good, louise?

did they taste like the escape you were always wanting?

did they make you forget me?

how i would feel about finding you dead?

how i would feel about coming home and finding the one person i cared about gone? gone without any answers as to why? just one word taped to your chest? one word that doesn't mean anything to anyone?

were you thinking about me when you swallowed those pills?

were you thinking about drew?

were you thinking about anybody, for once, besides your god damn self?

i need answers, louise.

there's a still a few pills left.

a few small pills that according to you contain everything i need to be at peace. 

now i'm wondering if death is the better option.

you would agree that it is, wouldn't you?

maybe it's not.

is death better, louise?

i wish you could answer.

but you can't.

you can't give me any answers anymore.

why did you do this?

i blame myself.

i hate you. 

i miss you.

i love you.

come back.

                                                                           barry.