The Cat on the Balcony

It Does Get Better

This will be posted in multiple books to be sure I reach most of my audience, so if you have more than one of my books in your library (bless you and thank you) you can just ignore the update. 

I just have something very important to share with you guys. It's taking a lot of courage for me to share this, but whats the point of overcoming my struggles if I don't use what I've learned to help others?

Ok, so, back when I was in middle school my sister, who is older than me by 2 years, got very sick. She was having extreme night terrors that were so violent every time she'd wake up, she would throw up. So, she started keeping herself up almost all night every night to keep from having those dreams. 

She let this go on for about a year before telling anyone.

After a long series of events, we got her dreams to stop, but her body was so used to throwing up all the time it was making too much stomach acid and she got ulcers. From such extreme lack of sleep for a long period of time her brain chemistry got messed up and gave her pretty severe depression.

Now obviously, during this she wasn't ever in the best of moods, and being the younger sibling I always got the brunt of her wrath and frustrations. She said some very, very hurtful things that still impact me now as an 18 year old, I was 11 when this all started happening.

My parents did the best they could to protect me, but the doctors told us my sister really couldn't help what she was saying. She was not herself and probably had no idea how hurtful these things were, or that she was even saying them. 

So, I spent a lot of time at friend's houses or shut in my room drawing and listening to music. And that helped for awhile, but eventually I did something I shouldn't have. That was when I self harmed for the first time. 

It only went on for a month and a half to two months before a friend found out and started watching me like a hawk, and thankfully it hadn't been going on long enough at that point for me to develop a real addiction to it, so I was able to stop for that time period.

Eventually, after another long string of events, my sister got completely better, and the only medications she's on now is for ADD. But our relationship was still very strained, and remained like that for quite some time.

Fast forward to August of 2016 when I'm 17 years old, the beginning of my senior year of high school. It started out alright, but then halfway through the school year the panic started to set in. The anxiety of all the things changing and not knowing what I was going to do after high school really got to me.

And those 2 months, 5 years ago when I was 12, caught back up to me. 

I relapsed back into self harm towards the end of November and had no intentions of stopping ever again. That was a very dark time and I mostly kept it to myself, ashamed of what I was doing. 

Only 2 people knew what I was actively doing. One I told on purpose because they were struggling with it as well, so I knew there would be no judgment from them. The other was an accident, but they ended up also struggling with it. 

She was one of the last people I would ever expect to do that, which just shows that you never know who could be struggling with that urge. So always be kind, and never make any jokes about that sort of stuff.

Anyways, like I said I had no intentions of stopping anytime soon. I went long enough that even when I wasn't even in a particularly down mood I wanted to do it because my body had become addicted to the endorphins.

But, I changed my mind about never wanting to quit. I decided that instead of letting the stress of graduation getting to me, I was going to use it as an opportunity. Everyone kept saying how I was starting a new chapter of my life, so I wanted to start fresh.

On May 17th, 2017, I threw away everything. Absolutely anything I used to hurt myself with went into the garbage can. I can't say it hasn't been hard, and there have definitely been times I wanted to relapse, but so far I haven't. As of today I am 1  month, 2 weeks, and 5 days clean. 

And right now, I am happier than I have been in a long time.

I have funky blue hair, I am going to community college to get an Associates degree in Business Administration, and I have my first tattoo.

I got a matching tattoo with my sister, because our relationship is almost back to where it was before she got sick.  We got sun and moon tattoos, because although we are very different from one another, we can work well together and create something great. I'll put a picture of them at the end of all this.

But yeah, so guys there's 2 things I want you to take away from all this:

1. Please never turn to self harm. It will become a never ending battle and it is not worth it. There are much better ways to cope that are much more helpful. It is not worth the scars, addiction, and shame that come with it. But, if you have already fallen into it, open up to at least 1 person. Isolation only makes it worse.

2. THINGS WILL  GET BETTER. I never thought I'd be able to be close with my sister again. I never thought I'd quit self harm again. I never thought I'd be able to find a direction for my life. Things will get better and good things do come to those who wait and persevere. Just give it time, and keep your friends close to you.

I love, love, love ya'll, take care of yourselves and eachother ❤❤❤

Mine is the one on the right