I was clutching the hem of the blanket in which I was tangled in when I read your text.
"Are you okay?"
Was I okay?
Maybe, I took things too deeply, overthought them and all, but that wouldn't be enough to console me. I couldn't conclude that I was okay even with this sort of 'hopeful' thinking of mine because I wasn't okay. And I wasn't yours either. But that isn't why I'm feeling this way. Mind you, I couldn't care less if you courted your *ehem* my *ehem* bestfriend. What disappoints me so much is that you make feel as if I was never your friend. Add more the fact that, two nights ago, you said and I quote "You're a really great friend, I'm sorry I'm never there for you. I'll make it up to you. >:)<"
Well, you aren't making up for it if you ask me. To be quite frank, it seems to be degrading you. The less I feel the need and want to be your friend.
Why do I even bother becoming your friend? Guess what! I have the answer to that. Just kidding. I wouldn't know why. I wouldn't probably even exist in your world if I didn't keep forcing myself in.
I didn't reply to your message. I probably wouldn't reply to you ever again.
As much as I loved talking to you, I saved myself from worry. From the worry that we'd stop talking again. Have you noticed? How we were in this never ending cycle of talking-- we seemed to be really great friends, then we'd go back to ignorance--where it seemed that we never even discussed your disgust of strawberries and my admiration for spiders.
I'd pass by you in the hallway, and you'd look at me with a scowl on your face, although I'm betting I was doing the same. Then a few days later we'd be talking again, about how you felt like such a loser. I'd comfort you, then you'd be giddy smiling again. The smile that I felt was reserved for me. I never saw you smile like that to her. Why? Although I would never know why. Because if you haven't noticed, that scenario above, that's us. It's a constant cycle and I don't feel like going through it anymore.
I've put too much effort on you and it's always wasted.
But not talking to you kills me and yet talking to you kills me too. I'm stuck in this lose-lose situation.
I miss you so much.
I'm just hoping, you'd miss me too.
