I sit on my couch with no feelings inside of me. I don't know what to feel anymore, or what to think. Ever scince tj maxx, I felt like I wasn't me anymore. I sit infront of my laptop, a familiar glowing apple illuminating off the tv. I stare at the chat bubble that says Jordan's Typing... I feel terrible now, something's not right. I look at my last chat to her saying ''Hey.. I don't know If I want to be best friends with you.... you're not very nice to me and you wont tell me stuff... I also don't think a real friend would make me and pressure me into doing stuff... I still want to be friends tho if that's ok with you? I talked to my parents about it and they think I'll make the right choice... well that's what my mom said. my dad doesn't want me to be friends with you... what do you think we should be?I don't mean that in a hurtful way or mad or anything... I'm truly sorry. I just want to know what you think we should be and I'll probably agree with you'It is what I felt though, it's something I know was the best thing to do. I sit and wait for a respons. Seconds later, a reply came that tore my heart into pieces, I wanted to fall to the floor right then and die, that would be best. I wouldn't have to go through any of this anymore.
Jordan: I don't wanna be best friends. Bye. Or freinds. SO yeah, bye.
Fighting. That's all we do is fight. I wanted to scream, but my mom was sitting right next to me, did I care? I couldn't think. A tear fell from my eyes and I wanted to fall downand ball my eyes out, for everything that's happened to me this week, this whole year. Just yesterday me and Jordan were best friends and being happy and scared together and today, we hated eachother? I didn't know what to think anymore. I know I told her I'd never throw her away, but forever never lasts. We all die eventully. Maybe if I wanted to keep that promise to be friends until we die, I would just die now. I could disappear and nobody would notice. I could leave the face of this earth and nobody would care.
My mom stands up and walks to her room closing the door shut and I jump to my feet. I see the kitchen and everything inside of it. If I just had the guts... Maybe I do.... I walk over to the droor of knives and take out one. I put it on my thy and make a small mark, blood falls from it. Pretty soon I'm drowning in my own tears, I could barley breath. There were streaks covering my face. I slowly put down the knife when I see someone's calling me, I look at the screen and see the name: Logan Powers. Great.
"Hello?" I say weakly.
"Dani.. what's wrong?" I shouldn't have answered the phone.
"Nothing..." I say even though my brain is coming up with the word everything.
"No something's wrong! Tell me right now!" Logan's sweet voice came through the phone.
I didn't want to explain myself so I hung up and locked myself in my bedroom. I looked at everything so neatly piled, everything looking so happy. It was just a cover up. All the happy things drove me insane. It was so fake. I picked up papers on the small wooden dresser of mine and ripped them in half. I then threw all my clean and folded clothes onto the floor. Just before I could do anything else, a shimmer cought my eyes. I looked at the gold heart on the gold chain. The perfect dimond in the middle of it and the neatly engraved words in the back. Dani. I opened the small locket and saw the cursive words once more saying, I love you. I instantly calmed down once I locked the old clasp around my neck. I starred at everything in my room twice before vibrations once again filled my ears. I looked at my phone screen and saw the words, Jordan's Mom. Great... I think.
"Hi..." I whisper.
"Hello?" I hear on the other end.
"Hi!" I say.
"I can't hear you!!" Then the call ends but this time, it wasn't me. I was going to go insane.
I slid open my window and jumped the three foot drop to the bright green grass. I layed in the thick stuff and screamed and cried. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere. But it was 12:00 am. I looked around slowly thinking of somewhere I could go. My slow walks turned into fast sprints as I hurried to a neighborhood of condos. It was pitch black outside and I started thinking of the other day.
"I've never showed or told anyone about this. Or her." I say softly starring at the dark sky.
"Oh." Jordan's words are soft. It hurts me to talk about old best friends to her, but it's most of my life. I don't know what I have other than friends.
I play with my sleeve as we walk closer and closer down a road. I stop and look at a house having happy memories of playing in the grass together, drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk. My eyes water at the thought of seeing Katy's face again and I'm happy Jordan can't see me in the dark. We start walking down a rocky path and walk through a feild. We pass a familiar playground. We walk along side of a small creek. The sounds of the soft water tickles my ears as found memories flash through my head. Maybe it was a mistake bringing Jordan here... I think about turning around, but then I see the small wooden dock. We arrive at the small pond with big Willow trees around it. I smile a little seeing the beautiful place. I can see it clearly.
"I can't see anything..." Jordan says.
"Oh.. me either." I say agreeing.
I walk on the other side from where me and Jordan sat and creep closley to the dock. I spent so many hours here, just years ago. I missed this place. I sit on the dock and take a deep breath. Everything will be ok. Just as I think that I see Katy in my mind, hold the black handle to the knife and sitting in the pond water. I scream and start running away from it as fast as I can. I need to leave. I feel like Katy is chasing me, the way she used to, but I know it's just my thoughts. I start running in my funny way I walk and think of the infection I used to have, the one I've never told a sould about and never explained about. It's the thing that made me walk so different, it's the thing that made me have these stupid things wrong with me. A thought creeps into my mind and I believe it, Nothing will ever be ok.
