Dear diary,
How to explain my latest disappearance.
Again.
I guess what I can say is for 3 reasons.
1. I Forgot to write
2. I've been insanely busy
3. Life has gotten in the way.
I guess all 3 kinda overlap haha. But I'll explain it all as detailed but blunt as possible. The reason I forgot to write is that my life has gotten insanely busy and I haven't really had time to update. The last time I updated I was in June so I was preparing for a party the same weekend, a test and sorting out summer vacation plans.
Over summer vacation I was at a summer camp both as a camper and a CIT, on a family trip and a ton more family related matters. Too many to remember. From the start of the school year. (August 21st or 22nd whichever was a Monday), Hasn't given me a chance to really be on here and get updates. And it really sucks because I was committed to updating this daily and being consistent.
But life is life and shit happen so yeah. Now on the less yet more complicated side of things, I had a few relationships and none of them went well. Like the breakups were very messy and recently they came back into my life and now trying to navigate that line of the fact that they were my ex and us trying to be friends is way harder than it sounds.
And recently one of them expressed interest in getting back with me so idk whats that's gonna bring nor how my hard no is going to bode well.
Now recently something I typically don't like talking about happened and it became a huge part of my life in the past 6 (going on 7 months). It also is a large explanation of why I have been active but ghostly active.
To anyone in my school who would read this all the way through, I don't care how you view this next part nor how you react to it. Say what you want, I don't give a damn anymore
So late October, early November of 2016 I met someone online. At the time I was on a dark stage and really wanted another friend to talk about it. For privacy reasons, let's call this person Jack. In my eyes, Jack was supposed to be a friend and nothing more but there was a connection that in my opinion I couldn't deny and neither could he so we started dating.
One thing led to another. Normal talking went to more steamy talking and then those turned into private things we wanted to keep between us in terms of content and what we were seeing. Valentine's day 2017, my parents caught me talking to him and saw everything that we wanted to keep secret.
I was punished for it and was forbidden to speak to him again.
I know this next part is about to be considered a dumbass move but I can't take it back now.
Half a year goes by and I was given back my full trust yet reminded not to talk to Jack. Me being the love sick puppy I was, I talked to Jack again. Once again it was intended to be a completely friendly conversation and nothing more but we somewhat slipped into our old ways.
September 1st I was caught again but this time it was a big deal but kinda not. it was a big deal because my grandma found out on her birthday and my sister had a breakdown over it yet no one has mentioned it since then so I guess it's under the rug.
But the reason it happened again is that in a way it felt like I had a purpose almost. We were talking, making each other happy and trying to be a light in the other's world.
The first time I was caught I established a mindset that it was my fault and there was no one to blame but me. I felt like I was worthless and alone to be completely honest. And it got to the point where I used to ____ harm. I didn't realize at the time just how much I was relying on him for support and to make me feel like something.
My parents say that I did it for attention. In a way that is true. I wanted something to show me a way out and in my mind, it came in the form of him.
And then again, having him be botted from my life like that after knowing him for so long made it difficult for me to adjust. One minute I'm happy with someone and the next I'm alone again. I built up habits like waking up at 2 am, staying up for as long as I could before going back to sleep and acting like nothing happened. I remember for the first month or so crying to myself because it happened. It happened so much that days blurred together. It was like walking down a lonely sidewalk sad in black in white.
And to summarize and bring it to date, my parents are looking to bring him to court and press charges because they believe that he is a full grown man acting like a teen. My mother called higher officials to look into him and press charges (maybe idk).
If you made it this far and read it all, I commend you. It's mainly over 550 words of me rambling about my major life problems.
Anyway I don't really know what else to say. I guess thats all.
Signing off
-Empress223310
