The Gift of Gulit

Chapter one

No, I think.

Stop it.

I see the same images replaying in my mind. I can't take it anymore. STOP!

I wake up gasping for air. Scanning over everywhere in the poorly lit room. When did I fall asleep? and Why? All i know is that it was the worst mistake. I had another nightmare, which equals another sleepless night.

You killed them. My sub conscience reminds me. I grab my ears and scream, as if that's going to get rid of the voices inside my head. They're always mocking me trying to manipulate me, control me. But yet no matter how much I fight them they win.

You're crazy Ava, you deserve to be locked up in a jail cell and rot to death. It mocks me. I scream again. Why won't they leave me alone? Why am i untimatley trapped in the spinning cycle that never ends?I know why but i won't say, i can't. Seconds later my door flys open, revealing my brother Danny. Danny's tall figure rushes towards me and embraces me tightly. His green eyes search mine only to find me blankly staring back. I don't move. He trys to whispers calm words into my ear, I ignore them. All my brother tries to do is console me, he doesn't know what I endure, what I've suffered through. He always tries to come to my rescue, but I'm still not saved. I've killed them , he knows. So how is it that he finds it in him to comfort me for the monster that I am?

"Shh.....they're just bad dreams Ava." He states. More like my reality that's slowly eating me alive every hour, minute, second, day of my life. These things that attach themselves to me like honey and feathers. However my problems are not as sweet as honey, or as light as a feather. They are dark problems that have me drowning at the bottom of a well, constantly screaming underwater but no one can hear me. No one can ever hear the thoughts that plague my mind, only me. I'm trapped in this place, this state of mind.

I suddenly find the courage to move. I squirm out of his grasp and lay back down in my bed. This time however, I don't close my eyes, I stay there with my eyes wide open staring at the blank wall in front of me. My breathing has calmed down a bit but my anxiety is high. My brother stares at me intently as if wondering what demon I'm going to release next. I then close my eyes as if to signal I want to be alone. It takes a couple of minutes of realization but finally, my brother leaves. After he shuts the door I get up and walk to the bathroom.

I'm going crazy , I think. I need to hurt someone, something, myself...

My eyes dart to the mirror hanging against the blue bathroom walls . I see a olive skin toned, brunette and a green eyed girl, no wait a freak, a murder, a monster. Without hesitation I pull my arm back as my hand balls into a fist. I'm tired of seeing my face and seeing the demons that are holding me hostage in my own mind. Tired of having to live a life like this. I'm tired of it all. My fist collides with the mirror, glass scatters everywhere and I don't blink. I take a second look in the mirror, or what's left of it. I see the girl's broken pieces , dispersed everywhere. I take a look at my hand. Red liquid has stained it. It hurts but the adrenaline in my veins helps the pain subside. I turn on the faucet to the sink and stick my hand under the icy water.

***

After I clean up my hand, I head back to my room, and climb into bed. I don't fall asleep though. I can't. My eyes skim over to the clock, 4:17 am.

Just a few more hours. My mind tells me and go back to staring at the blank plain wall. My mind is turning back into that day. My sub conscience is mocking me with my mind. Constantly reminding me of what a monster I am. I don't deserve to live. What's the point of living if I'm dying inside? What's the point of living if constantly I'm reminded of the terrifying things I've done in the past? The past is my enemy always trying to etch it's way into my mind. It's always fighting me, turning me into the girl who fears her own self. My eyes scan over to the clock once more 4:20 am. Ever since that day I try to keep track of time. I made a mistake not paying attention and then everything was lost and I killed them. It was my fault, all my damn fault.

Minutes seem to turn into hours and before I know it my alarm sounds, alerting me that it's time for school. I sigh out loud, exhausted and get up to start getting ready for school. What's the point of even getting ready for school? It's not like my mind diverts itself from it's thoughts for the day, no. I can't escape it, not anywhere, they follow me like I'm the stake and they're the pack of hungry wolves. There is no escape when you're the target,everything seems to be aimed at you and there is no escape from the hell you endure. You're stuck, and there is no way out. 15 minutes pass and I've haven't done anything except stare at the gray wall. I quickly slip on some black jeans and a black hoodie along with combat boots and head downstairs. I grab my book bag off of the kitchen table and walk to school.

***

I enter the school building a little earlier than I expected. I drag myself to my locker, 801, and put in the combination. The locker opens for me and I grab my chemistry book and world history book. I head to home room. I'm usually the first one there because I like to study before class. Although it's beneficial for my studies, my thoughts seem to still make their way through the school day. Rendering subjects useless to me now. The past always haunting my every move anywhere anytime. The school bell rings and I snap out of my monstrous thoughts and observe as students pile into the classroom. They are all ignorant to me, they are happy. They do not have to endure the pain in my mind day and night. They do not have to focus on the one thing they have done to hurt the people they love and think these thoughts. As soon as everyone is seated, the teacher starts a lesson that I already know, so I quietly draw in my sketchbook.

After 2 periods pass, it's time for lunch. I weave through the lunch line to get something to eat. I grab the first tray I see and head to the empty table in the corner of the lunchroom. The day surprisingly goes by fast, and before I know it I'm walking home and heading to my room where I just study and stare at the blank wall for the remainder of the night, and the remainder of the week.

***

A/N

hey guys ! First chapter, so tell me what you think, comment, follow and vote please! Thanks.