It started in high school as a freshman when I thought I was ugly. Let's just say I was green with Envy. The popular girls had everything that I didn't have: good hair, had a lot of friends, had money, and had the looks of professionals. Their names were Christy Michaels, Sara Jacobs, and Tatiana Blackwell. They were the bullies all through elementary and middle school, telling anyone off or ordering them around like a boss in a business company. They always got things their way and no one would stop them. Everyone thought they rule the school because their parents would pay the school district and the principal for bailing them out of trouble. People like getting paid to bail out someone else.
Telling my self that I had to be perfect made me sound like someone with OCD.Sometimes I wish I had those things, I told myself. They always seem to pass by when I hang with my friends Ashley and Hannah. Giving us dirty looks like we were the plague. I was for sure tired of being who I was.All of uswere tired of being described as subhuman.So we changed!
I started looking at myself in the mirror and all I saw was a pudging version of myself even though I was already somewhat skinny.How ugly I thought. You see, I was self-conscious of my body and wanted to be beautiful. But I knew that would never happen. So I tried all the diets in the world, none of which even work. My friends and I decided to shut out from the world, making our existence known as invisible.
Somehow along the line,we met Ana. Ana told us to starve ourselves, telling us food was the enemy and overexercising would help us feel better and get us skinny and beautiful. We didn't want to keep a diary because someone would find out. Ana also told to measure ourselves constantly, "no matter how small people may perceive you to be, you will never be skinny enough".She told us never to eat publicly.So we start the next week under Ana's rules.
We started the morning of the first dayjust drinking water and not eating anything. No one would notice for a while, butthen again our existence was invisible to the world. We hung out at our usual corner where the popular girls always passed. Facing in a triangle away from them, we began to discuss what gym we should go to, how many hours we should exercise, ans so forth. Ashley suggested 8 hours or more a day to exercise. Hannah and I agreed. Hannah suggested that we exercise in the gym across the way fromour favoritebookstore, Cromwell's Bookstore. This wasour schoolschedule: A-Ashley is in that class, H-Hannah is in that class.M-I have that classAll-we all have that class.
9th Grade schedule (1st semester)
1. Geometry(AM)-Hannah has Alg 2
2/6. World History-every day for a semester(ALL)
3. Japanese(M)-Hannah has Spanish and Ashley has French
4. English-(ALL)
5. Band(M) Hannah had Orchestra and Ashley did Choir
7. Physical Science(AM)Hannah had Biology
8 Digital Webpage Design (M)- Hannah and Ashley had Digitools
9th Grade schedule (2nd Semester)-added classes
Personal Health(ALL)
Officer User Specialist 1(HM)-Ashley had Design Tech
Crafts(ALL)
Gym (ALL)
We didn't eat for days all we did was drink water, exercise, talk online, through text or called each other. It last for weeks, months and years. We'd hide our bodies in baggy sweats or jeans. We thought if we hide ourselves, that no one would see the problem. Obssession filled us and made us feel loved. Basically our plan was to "get away with murder". Ironically there is a song by Papa Roach called"Getting Away With Murder", our favorite song. Here are the lyrics:
1. Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness
I need to calculate what creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And you're the master and I am waiting for disaster
(Chorus)
I feel irrational
So confrontational
To tell the truth I am getting away with murder
It is impossible to tell the truth
But the reality is I'm getting away with murder
Getting Away(3x)
2.I drink my drink and I don't even want to
I think my thoughts when I don't even need to
I never even look back because I don't even want to
And I don't need to because I'm getting away with murder
(Chorus)
Getting Away(9x) Last one "with murder"
(Instrumental)
(1) Last verse ending with "I am craving this disaster
(Chorus)
Getting Away (3x)
(Chorus)
No one can see us. We never hanged around other people unless they were under Ana's rules just as we were.All we want was to be popular, to be seen as notorius around the school. Then there started to be physical problems. We grew more and more tired and weak but we still kept going. Our problem was exposed when none of us had sweatpants to wear for gym and had to wear shorts where our legs were exposed. The other girls were in shock to see us and called us skeleton losers, toothpicks, and pencils.
It was worse at lunch when we first walked in, everyone was staring at us like we were on stage, performing a bad show. Then a whole bunch of people started asking us questions like "How are you so skinny?" "Why don't you eat?" Then we were called worse names like Skullys (referencing the skeleton Skully in biology), ugly, the "Thinspiration Barbies" and a hell lot more.Then thethree old lunch ladies brings a lot of food on a plate for each of us. We refused to eat it and left the cafeteria, with tears in our eyes. We ditched school for a long time, staying away from other people other than ourselves. Then we ran to Cromwell's Bookstore to hide in the back where Ms. Cromwell only let us go through the secret teleportation chamber which lead us on a playground.
We compromised that Ana had lied to us.
Ana told us that we would be beautiful,but we were worse than we were then. Her rules nearly killed us just to have perfection, but we realized that no one is overall perfect except God. Our bodies were possessed and destroyed because of Ana. We were controlled to be perfect somewhat like OCD except the reverse of being overweight, but being as "thin as a pencil" was her thought of what we were suppose to be.
Going through the motions wasa painful experience for us. We all had to a eating disorder clinic to revived us from our pain. We were basically eating ourselves away, not caring about our surrroundings, not caring what anyone thought about us. We were dragged into a phase of despair and compulsive obsession.
We were trapped in a box that closed us in. Perfectionists were what we tried to be, but failed to realized that we didn't need Ana ro begin with. She clings to us like a robe of depression, taking us down and down and down till we couldn't take no more. The good thing that came out of our misery was that we all survived this, with the faith of God, believeing that He won't give us more than we can bear and that trust and faith got us through our blind perfection.
