Open Book

Him.

Look at him, he's wonderful. He's opinionated and bright, not in books but in manner, he is happy. He is playful and strong, annoying yet attentive. He is agile, beautiful. He's everything I've ever wished for. And he isn't. He is stubborn and bullheaded. He is mean, and goes too far with his jokes. He gets angry for the wrong reasons, very hot-headed. He needs someone to bring him back to reality sometimes. I could be that girl. But, I'm not. He is everything and anything that I think about on a daily basis. But he doesn't need me, and I don't need him. I repeat this many times a day, just to remind myself where I stand. Self-drawn lines in the sand.

We connect on a different level. We can have a full conversation without speaking, and it's great; but I'm not there. Neither is he. We loved and we hated. We hated until we couldn't. The spark vanished and the feelings I had disappeared. I assume this is how he feels as well, as we haven't truly spoken in days. Heavy air surrounds us when I look at him, realizing what I must give up. For his sake. The passion is there, but the warmth is not. We can't be friends. I couldn't take that knowing I love him more than that. And that he doesn't love me more than that.

We never truly became anything. We were close friends who loved each other fiercely and protected one another. That's it. I'd like to believe that's it. I wish I could believe that's it. Except for the part where I fell in love with him and his stupid ocean eyes, and his lame jokes, and his obnoxious behavior. It wasn't even because he was attractive. It was because he is the only person I've ever met in this world who would be completely and utterly honest with me when I needed a straight answer.

And yes when I needed someone, he was always right there to take the blows I threw, and would fight anyone who mistreated me, even when he was angry with me. The worst part is he's so stupid. So stupid he keeps up with his stupid charming demeanor and stupid hugs and stupid telling me things randomly about his personal life that I can't forget because he trusted me. Why did he trust me? I can't even remember to take my pills, much less remember all little things he decides to tell me. But I remember like hieroglyphs ingrained into a stone because it was him who told me. He told me and now I can't decide what I want again. I don't even know if I want him or if I don't anymore.

  I also wish things weren't so damn complicated, and when things got bad I could fall into his arms and forget the world around us. But I can't. Because he isn't mine, and he probably would never be mine. He gives me signals that he means more than he means and when I grab the lead he's given, a door slams in my face as if it were never open. So I swear against letting him or anyone in to that level of trust again. I can't fall in love like that again.

I don't need someone to make me happy. There are reasons I know I'll be better off alone. No one needs my brand of crazy. No one needs to wake up to me in the middle of a depression-inspired rage because something just isn't quite right between my ears and I can't help that if I tried. No one needs to try to fix me because I can't let them, I'm not broken. He doesn't need that type of screwed up, life-disorienting, crazy in his life. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm trying to hurt myself because my brain says that I need to. That would hurt him to witness that. It would ruin him. He'd think that it was his own fault.

I don't need him to be ruined because of me. I wish things were different. I wish I could wake up as a brand new person who doesn't have as many issues and who doesn't need constant approval of what's right and what's wrong. I wish I didn't worry so much about what I say and do around other people. Maybe that's why we don't work. He cares too little and I care too much. Anyway, it doesn't work. I remind myself why we don't work so many times a day, just to make sure my brain stops thinking about him on autopilot and I am still in control of my own thoughts.

I don't need him. He doesn't need me. I don't need him. He doesn't need me. All day, everyday running through my head like the beat of a drum. And I can't help it. Because if I don't, then I think about his beautiful eyes and his ridiculous attitude, and the way he makes me laugh, and then I melt again. Then I need him again and I can't need him anymore than I do. He's my friend. Not my love. I don't love him. I don't. I can't. I won't.

Does he even know he does this to me? That I stay up at night analyzing every action he makes because I need to know if he really means what he does? I don't even know at this point. I can't ask, because he wouldn't tell me. It would be the only question that would potentially wreck everything or fix everything. And I can't ask. Because I don't know the statistics and I guess I don't want to lose him. Like I had him in the first place. I never did. I forget sometimes that he's doesn't think about me. He doesn't care, he's just playing around.

It's all just a joke. The way he talks to me, the way he makes me feel is all just a joke. He does it on purpose. It is funny to him. I can't ever tell if it's a joke or if he's serious.

What do I mean to him? I would believe it is nothing. I want to believe it's nothing. but our mutual friends tell me that all he ever does is talk about me, that he listens to what I say, and that he remembers it. That he trusts my advice and follows it, even if he makes fun of me at the moment I say it.

He constantly confuses me. He'll make himself vulnerable, and then refuse to talk to me or look me in the eye for days. This one thing, he lies about. he doesn't tell the truth about this one thing. I wish he'd just come out and be honest with me on this one thing, this one thing that he is never honest with me about. Just tell me what you want from me. Do you want me to like you or not? How do you want me to react to you?

I just need to know so I can be ready to shut down and ignore you. Or to let you in, and trust you. But I have to know. Just tell me. Be honest with me.