Recovery
Note: it's not a poem, but it's important to me.
Tonight I prayed the most desperate prayer in my life. At this point, I'm wishing to die every second, cutting deeper and deeper, being in a constant state of anxiety, refusing to eat more and more, and thinking of ways I can just escape and go home to my Father's arms. I feel myself growing farther and farther apart from everyone, and I feel like soon I'm just going to slip away so far that nobody even knows me anymore. My fake smile is becoming weaker and I'm starting to envision myself as just another girl who killed herself. I keep hanging onto the fact that suicide is selfish, and that my parents have already lost one child. Yet I can't call myself a saint for simply not ending my own life. In fact, I feel like I've hurt everyone. Today my sister told me she felt I was disinterested in her, and although she apologized profusely when I told her it isn't true, I can still feel it stinging me. I'm not hurt by her, but I'm hurt by the true fact that I'm becoming selfish and not even giving others my attention or care, which has always been something people have come to me for. It's like a slap in the face when the most important person to you doesn't even feel you there. So I kept thinking, why am I so destroyed? And there are so many reasons I'm broken right now. So tonight, I got down on my knees and spread my arms across my bed, and just whispered in my blanket, with every other line being a plea to God to help me. I don't know what "help" is, but I trust that whatever He does will ultimately work for my good. After the numerous amount of times I've had terrible panic attacks today, I'm finding peace. I keep assuring myself that God will make me okay, whatever happens. I'll admit it's hard to not be anxious when you live a life like mine, but my faith is strong, and so am I. I've decided to be okay. It won't come easily. There will still be cuts made after tonight and suicidal thoughts, but I'll become better. I told God tonight that I can't do it on my own, and that I need Him. When I face my judgmental family, I'll withstand their harsh comments about every inch of me, because my God is stronger. When I get overwhelmed by six hours of homework every night, I'll find peace, because my God is stronger. When I feel faint or my heart keeps growing weaker, I'll stand tall, because my God is stronger. He's given me so much. Yes I've been through hellish things, but I am incredibly blessed in so many ways. I feel guilty for considering determining my own death, as appealing as the words still sound in my own ears. I don't know how much rope I have left, but I'll hang on until God lets me go. As many pills as I may take after tonight, I'll continue to force myself to throw them up, and I'll keep perservering. Eventually I won't want to anymore. I'll be "normal" (whatever that is), and there will be no desire to make myself bleed or make myself die. Things are going to get better. God will give me strength to tuck the knife away, to put the bottle of pills down, and to fight the demons in my mind. But most importantly, He'll put me through trials that will strengthen me. I have faith in His works. I, Christa Victoria, am going to live, and it's going to be spectacular.
