Saturday morning

It was a wonderful Saturday morning. Well, it should have been.

The sun was shining. The sky was cloudless. It'd looked like the summer would finally start in London.

The day started great. You've made breakfast for me. As a surprise, how you claimed. But I wasn't sure if you're not just feeling guilty about last night. As you'd let me wait in a restaurant for 2 hours until I had enough and went home, where you turned the key around 3 hours later. Again. Like so many times before.

Quickly I abandoned this thought. I tried to enjoy the breakfast but the bubbling anger inside of me wouldn't let me.

I can't quite remember who started the fight this morning. All I remember is how I'd felt. How harsh and unfair I was.

"You're never here for me!"

"You know I'm working hard!", was your answer.

"I know!"

"I work really hard for us. And I'm sorry that I can't be here all the time, but I mean, I fund our lifestyle, our flat since..."

You shouldn't have said that.

"So it's all my fault then?!"

"No I'm just trying to say..."

"Gosh! I know all that. And I'm thankful for it and I know you love your work and forget the time sometimes. Or a flight is late or... I don't know. And I'm ok with it most of the time, cause the work is a part of you. But not yesterday! Not yesterday! For God's sake!"

"I know." You looked down on your plate.

"I didn't want to be alone. Last night more than ever. Anytime but not..."

My voice broke. Tears were trying to make their way down my cheeks but I didn't let them.

"I know and I'm so sorry. But we went for a drink and..."

"And you forgot the time. I know Darling. But yesterday was really important for me. Not that it's just our anniversary. It's also the anniversary of..."

My voice broke again. It was too painful to even think of what happened a year ago. It was like you knew what I was thinking of.

"I'm so sorry!"

You tried to grab my hand. I didn't let you. I stood up.

"I gotta go to work."

"No Jane... Wait! Can we talk about this? Please!"

You followed me down the hallway.

"I have to go to work!"

"Ok. So we talk later then...Right?!"

I didn't answer you. I just walked out of the door.

"I love you!"

"I love you too!", I answered in my thoughts.

I stepped on the streets. Actually I had time till work started. I just couldn't face the situation anymore. I decided to walk to work. To somehow control my feelings until I arrived there.

Tears were streaming down my face.

Maybe that's the reason I didn't see the car coming.

I don't know.

All I could remember were the noises.

The screaming people on the street, the car horn, the squealing tires as they tried to slow down and stop the car.

It didn't work. The metal hit me.

I was thrown through the air before I hit the ground.

As I flew through the warm spring air, it was quiet. It was like the earth had stopped breathing in shock. It was quiet and calm and peaceful, somehow, like floating.

You know they always tell you, when you're dying, you see your life passing by? That's bullshit. You see your loved ones.

And you're scared. Very scared.

I'll never forget the sound when I hit the ground. And the pain.

I lied on the street. The noises were suddenly there again.

People screaming. Shouting for help. The driver who was in shock.

"Somebody call an ambulance!" I heard someone saying.

It was all a noisy mess.

I just lied there on the street. The black below slowly turned red.

I focused on breathing. I closed my eyes.

"This is it then. I'm joining mum and dad.", I thought.

I was afraid and calm at the same time.

In my thoughts I slapped myself for not telling you how much I love you, as I suddenly heard your voice.

"Jane! Jane! Open your eyes! God! No! Please!"

I slowly opened my eyes. I saw your face. Hope flashed through it.

"Hi!", I whispered.

"Hey!", was your answer.

You smiled but there were tears in your eyes.

"I..."

"No, no, don't speak! It's going to be fine. Ambulance is on it's way."

"I'm sorry."

"No. I am."

Your hand was on my head. Your thumb stroked my cheek.

"Dar...Darling?"

"Yeah?" You gave me a warm look.

"I love you!"

"I love you too!", you said with a tearful voice.

I got lost in your eyes. My eyes lids fluttered. Breathing got harder.

"No Jane! Stay with me! Come on! Ambulance is here! See?!"

I didn't.

I slowly drifted into darkness.

I didn't see how the ambulance took me away.

I didn't see the people who stood around staring in shock.

I didn't see the man who stood in the middle of the street.

Barefoot, in jeans and a blue shirt, with blood on his hands and tears in his eyes.

The man who stared at the ambulance car disappearing on the horizon.

The man who I was able to call my love, my soulmate, my world.

The sun was shining. The sky was cloudless.

It'd looked like the spring would finally start in London.

It was a wonderful Saturday morning.

Well, it should have been.