Rekindled

Champagne and Wedding Cake

Ever have that feeling that you've been where you're at before? That the situation you're in is one you know you've dealt with before? The same people, same place. The same background noise around you. You feel the same feelings you felt before. You look around you and you recognize where you're standing, what you're doing. You know how to react, what to say, and what the other person's responses are going to be. Its almost as if you have lived this day before. You've lived this life before.

Deja vu. It happens. Maybe it means you lived this life before. Maybe it means we get more than one chance at making things right. Maybe it means you get to be the person you want to be, no matter how many times you screw up. Maybe it means that the possibilities are infinite but there is only one right outcome. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all.

What is it that Bill Murray says in Groundhog's Day?

"Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one Today."

"Where's Kins?" I shake my head as my sister calls out to me and I don't look away from the Mickey Mouse t-shirt I'm getting out of the closet to pull over my head. I pointed to the open bedroom door. "She's in the spare with Amelia and the girls." I stopped on a black v-neck that had been hanging in this closet since God knows how long and wondered if I should pack it in my suitcase for after the wedding. "Are you okay?" She asks and I continued my search for shirts I would never wear while we were gone. I don't know why it mattered so much that I have fifteen t-shirts to choose from and yet somehow it did. "Yeah, we're fine. We just had a long night last night. We stayed up talking about this while we watched movies. That and our loves--" I shook my head and scoffed. I called the babies that to Kinsley so my sister would have no idea what I meant. "The twins, I mean. The twins kept her awake all night. Kicking in her ribcage. I had to rub her belly until they would go to sleep. And then she only had about thirty minutes of that until morning sickness kicked in. So she insisted on being in the spare for that so I haven't really seen her. I didn't sleep at all." A navy Thom Browne button up came into view and I grabbed it and tossed it over to my garment bag to hang in there. "Yeah, I remember those days. But I didn't mean you and Kinsley. I meant you as in you, Jimmy. Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, running my hands through my hair. "Why do I get the feeling we've had this conversation before?" I said, opening one eye and scratching my neck. Gloria smiled at me, nodding. "We have had this exact conversation before. In this exact room. With this exact situation." She was cut off by Franny running into the room. "With just a few differences.."She said with a chuckle. "Dad-dy!" She said, and by the way she said my name in two distinctly separate syllables, I knew she had been watching Peppa Pig in the spare with Winn and Kins. "Yes, Franny Cole, what's up?" I asked as she climbed up my leg and onto my back. I groaned as she expertly used me as a jungle gym. It hurt my scar tissue and my still frail nerves but I would never tell her or any of my kids to stop because one day they'll be too big for this and I'll miss it.

"Kins is crying.." she says softly in my ear as she straddles my back and hangs around my neck. "K-Kins is crying?" Franny nods as if this is totally normal. "She's crying? You're sure?" Again, a nod as if nothing bad could possibly be happening. I look up at my sister and I hear a sob and in an instant I'm running out of our bedroom and into the spare, Franny laughing every step of the way as she hangs on my back, like a personal Franny backpack.

There I find Kinsley on the bed, sobbing into her palms while Winnie just stares at her. "She's sad, Daddy." I look at my eldest who is wearing the same concern on her face as I am right now. I nod to Winn and then gently lower myself to the ground slowly in front of Kins. Franny takes this opportunity to slide off my back and Winnie, being as observant as she is, takes her little sisters hand and walks her out of the room to give us some privacy. I don't know if she knew we needed it or if she just felt uncomfortable with Kinsley's loud sobbing. But I was thankful for this moment to be just the two of us.