pretty little liar // brad simpson

nineteen

BRAD

It was uncomfortable, to say the least. Tristan sat across from us on his own couch in the house where the boys and I all used to live, before James and Liz moved off together and I moved out with Spencer. Now, just Tristan and Connor inhabited the house, both of them being single and satisfied as such.

Spencer slid her hand into mine, and I rolled my shoulders back, trying to relax. She was trying to show me that she cared for me, that she was with me in this, all with that small gesture, and I appreciated it even if it still felt off. "Spencer has been very insistent that I've got to trust her, and trust you in this... it's been hard, with what you did behind my back as my best friend - even knowing it was fake."

Tristan cleared his throat. "I didn't know it was fake until Spencer broke it off. I want to clarify that, because I want to be honest." He paused, and I bobbed my head in understanding. "I don't want to pretend that I wasn't a horrible friend at all, because I want to figure this out instead of lying to get out of it."

"Why've you and Spencer still been talking?" I asked, letting Spencer's hand go and scooting away so I could face her more. Her face fell slightly, and I quickly reached out to give her hand a squeeze again. "I don't want to make Tristan think I'm already set up to only believe you... you both have explaining to do and I want it to come from both of you openly."

Spencer nodded, brushing her hair back behind her ears. She'd straightened her short brown locks, and wore a large flannel buttoned up with some shredded jeans - it was one of my favorite things to see her in, for she looked so comfortable and so precise at the same time, and I loved to see the pokes of her skin between the rips in her jeans when she walked.

"We weren't falling in love, when we were getting together." Tristan began, finally filling the silence with an answer. "I mean - I was. But we were becoming friends, and I understood that Spencer didn't and doesn't feel the same way for me that I do." He continued, ducking his head and putting his elbows on his knees.

"He was my only true friend who wanted to be my friend without an incentive. I felt like you only acted as my friend because we had to be together, and Connor and James only were because I was the girlfriend and they didn't want to create tension." Spencer added, running her palms down her thighs nervously. "We talk because we became friends, because we are friends."

I glanced back at Tris, who nodded. "Lately I've called her a bit more urgently," He added, clearing his throat and avoiding my eyes. "I've hated myself, so much. You were my best friend and I did the worst thing I could've possibly done. I betrayed you and I didn't treat you the way I should've, and it's torn me apart because you're the best friend I've ever had and I don't know how I could've done something that awful to you."

"It... hurt." I answered, shrugging lightly. I didn't want to add the salt to the wounds that were so raw for all of us when Tristan was being open and honest and working to mend the bridges that got knocked in the storm. 

"I know," Tristan sighed. "I mean, I can't even imagine how it felt to you when it's felt like this on my end." He added, glancing up and meeting my eyes. He looked away, ashamed. His eyes landed on Spencer for a split second, and I watched her give him a reassuring smile. "All I can seem to feel is how heavily I hate myself for what I did. I want to erase it, and I can't, and it makes me feel physically sick. Sometimes I want to just... I don't know, get in the car and close my eyes, or see how many aspirin it takes to make me stop hurting. Just... see what happens."

My stomach clenched, and Tristan's head hung lowly. Spencer wrung her hands together, curling her shoulders in. Her hand twitched, and then she reached out and put a hand softly on Tristan's knee. He flinched, but then relaxed. Eyes flitting between them uncertainly, trying to figure out what to do, I finally stood and sat on the couch beside Tristan instead. My arm dropped around his shoulders warmly, and I let Tristan lean his head on my chest.

"Don't go using past tense when you talk about us being best friends." I chuckled, squeezing his shoulder. "Did it hurt like hell? Sure. But it's harder to hear that my best mate would ever want to be anywhere but living his life with me. Even if you still hate yourself... know that I never could. And I want to help you figure this out, any way that I can."

Tristan made a small noise, then wrapped his arm around my back as well. He lifted his head and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve. "I'm sorry."

"I know." I responded, looking into my best friend's watery blue eyes. "I forgive you."

"I don't deserve that." Tristan sighed, wiping at his eyes with his fingers.

"I know." I repeated again, grinning at him. "I think that's the point of forgiveness though, eh?"

Spencer smiled softly, sitting forward on the couch and patting Tristan's leg reassuringly, leaving her hand on his knee and propping her head on his shoulder. "Thank you for being my best friend, Tris. You already know that I'd swim the seas for you." She promised softly, and I felt my heart swell at her words.

Was I wary? Of course, but I had to be trusting in Spencer and Tristan, or else there was no point. And watching Spencer's eyes as she watched me and Tristan work things out - she had those crinkles, the little twitch in her lip, the real happiness I had wanted so desperately for her to feel. Even if it scared me, it was obvious that being Tristan's friend made her happy, and if I was going to love her right, I had to trust that she could love me too.