blue diaries

avowal

avowal.                                                                                  December 2013

Today someone asked me; what is a friend to me?

 

I always thought the people that were apart of my life a couple of years back defined ‘friend’. I thought they were the definition of ‘sister’. I thought what we had was friendship. I found myself thinking for quite a while before answering.

 

A friend is someone who will help me when I’m unable to help myself. They are someone that will listen to me when no one wants to sit and listen to the things that are weighing me down. A friend will not sugarcoat things and instead give it me straight, raw and uncut. A friend will help me when I’m behind on work and assignments instead of turning their back on me. Instead of only helping themselves they would insist on taking out their time to make sure that I am back on track. A friend is someone I can be myself around. Someone who I know I can open up to. Someone I know I can confide in, someone I know I can trust.

 

A friend is someone like Kaeden.

 

 

It still confuses me as to how soon it was that I realized I feel like I can trust him. When I’m not in my feelings I actually feel comfortable around him. I feel like I can be myself completely. I can own my likes and dislikes and stand by my opinions and viewpoints.

 

After spending my earlier years changing myself to fit in, it’s refreshing and liberating to have someone accept you and embrace the whole of you with open arms. What he did months ago still consumes my mind at times but I can’t hold onto it for any longer. He continues to prove himself to me time and time again, which in turn helped me onto making my next decision.

 

After over a whole year of confusion and frustration I did it. I’ve been happy for a while and after clearing my mind I admitted it to myself. Everything used to feel so hazy and blurred before. Trying to unscramble my thoughts used to be so frustrating. I kept trying to suppress them but it wasn’t until I was faced with a quote from E. M. Forster did I realize how to untangle them.

 

“But let yourself go. You are inclined to get muddled, if I may judge from last night. Let yourself go. Pull out from the depths those thoughts that you do not understand, and spread them out in the sunlight and know the meaning of them.” -- E. M. Forster 

 

That’s exactly what I did, I let myself go and laid everything out in the light for me to see. Although I still feel slightly confused when it comes to this newfound feeling, I accept it. I embraced it and I admitted it. I confronted him and I told him. For the first time in my life I completely opened myself up. I unlocked my mind and handed him the key.

“Why did you even keep this game?” I placed the controller on my lap and I stretched out my legs as I clasped my hands together, intertwining my fingers before stretching out my arms in front of me. I changed how I was sitting as I felt that pins and needles sensation in my right leg. I turned to my side and saw him on his phone as he shrugged.