Anxiety- my experience

Quick overview of my life

It began when I was 8 I suppose, when I was in year 3. My Mum was working in my class and somehow that totally destroyed my confidence. You might think that's ridiculous. Even to me it sounds silly, but that's how it is, and I'm not going to lie to you. I'll probably get hate for writing this story but I do need to tell someone. Even if just one person reads what I wrote I'll be happy. If it helps one person, it'll be worth it.

Sudden change of topic but the dictionary definition is 'a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease about something with an uncertain outcome'. Personally I think that everyone will experience this feeling at some point in their lives but for people with anxiety the feeling is heightened and can seem completely out of control. I would like to point out that I am no expert. I'm not medically trained and so I can only write what I think to be true. For more information I would recommend looking at sites such as mind.org.uk as these can discuss symptoms and solutions in much more detail and a lot better than I can. My story focuses on social anxiety. I don't know whether it feels the same for everyone, but this is how I've felt.

When I was very young I was very confident. I was one of those children who wouldn't stop talking. Ever. My proof for this is some socks. For Christmas when I was two, my childminder gave me some Little Miss Chatterbox socks because I wouldn't shut up. Back then nothing could phase me, not even spiders haha.

I began to change when I started school. It didn't help that I knew nobody, or that I had a really big class. It also didn't help that my name card was green and all the other girls had pink ones. It made me feel less important and maybe that's why I remember such a small and seemingly insignificant detail. One of my most prominent memories of Reception is losing my name card. Everyone else had a spare but I didn't for some reason and it looked like I had lost both. Mrs Heather, the teaching assistant told me off in front of the whole class but it's not that I remember. It's the attention. For the first time I was getting negative attention rather than positive and I didn't like it. I began to wonder if attention was bad, if I should try to avoid it. I didn't act on my thoughts then. That wasn't until later, but that was the first time I doubted what I wanted because before that I wanted people to look at me. I craved being the centre of attention.

Then came the beginning of year one. A traumatic time as I remember. You see, my best, and only friend had moved away during the summer, with no warning and the only goodbye being an answer phone message. So there I was at five years old, trying to explain to my school where one of their pupils had disappeared to. I was upset to say the least but back then I didn't mind making new friends and I never thought about how other people might see me. So as many five year olds would, I moved on.

I think that this would be a good time to point out that my early childhood was very happy. Both of my parents clearly care about me and I had everything I could possibly want. People liked me because I was cute and so I could get people to do anything I wanted. Having said that, I wasn't manipulative, I just learnt early on how to please and how to get my own way but now I'll get back to my story.

There was one girl that wasn't particularly nice to me that year, Ell. In front of other people she was lovely but when we played just the two of us, she would call me names. I don't really remember this very well, but I do know that I would just laugh off insults because I believed what I think everyone should believe, that it's not an insult if you aren't offended. In the end she gave up with trying to upset me, probably because at age 6 I seemed to know something, something which I now can't fully understand. I realised that she was probably unhappy herself and that she wanted me to feel the same, and that in some way kept me happy. Just knowing that by not being upset I was defying her was the best feeling. I suppose that's where my stubborn side comes in handy. I would refuse to get upset because I didn't want to do what anyone else wanted me to.

One thing which has never failed to upset me though, is the idea of school starting back after the summer! I can't stand the uncertainty. Back in primary school it was the whole not knowing what the teacher was like, and to an extent it bothered me that they didn't know me. In secondary school I hated going back with equal passion, but it was even worse because I had to get used to a whole new set it teachers and I had different people in each of my classes.

I've moved through my early childhood remarkably quickly and that's mainly because I don't remember it very well, but also I want to focus this story on the signs that maybe something wasn't quite right. Generally I was happy but when I look back now, anxiety was always there. I hope to take refuge in this because that shows that it's not my fault I get so anxious.