How Could You?

Getting somewhere

"Please, Lindsey, let's sit down and talk about this. I know I hurt you and I know, what I did was wrong, but give me a chance, please." Stevie begged, before he locked himself up in the studio, when they returned home.

"I don't feel ready to talk to you about anything." Lindsey replied coldly. 

"If you want to hurt me back, you're doing a pretty good job." Still standing in his way, Stevie continued. "What I did, I did it with you on my mind. It obviously wasn't the right decision, I fucked up, but I want us to try and work through this. Lindsey, I love you. We're in this situation only because I love you!"

"Cut the crap!" Lindsey yelled, causing Stevie to flinch at his sudden outburst. "If you loved me, you would have come to me!"

"But-"

"No, Stevie." He shook his head. "Just stop talking, stop." He repeated, walking around her, straight to his home studio, leaving her on her own once again.

Stevie went to her own sanctuary - her music room, like she called it. She sat at the piano, gracefully placing her fingers on the keys as she started playing. It wasn't a melody known to her yet, pressing one key after the other until she had something and it sounded pleasant.

A lot was on her mind. Stevie didn't expect meeting Alice would go as well as it did. She smiled a little, thinking of her beautiful daughter. Stevie hadn't allowed herself to think of the girl as her daughter ever since she took her first breath. It just hurt a little less that way. 

It felt incredible to hold her first and only child. Stevie imagined that it would take a good while, before Alice would carry on a conversation with her, before she allowed any type of contact. It was such a relief to know they didn't need to get over that obstacle. 

However, it wasn't just Alice that Stevie couldn't stop thinking about. Lindsey was constantly in her thoughts. Yes, she hurt him badly, she realized that, and she was going to give as much time as he needed, but she still loved him and she still missed him. Now it was as if two strangers were sharing a house and Stevie hated that. Ever since she and Lindsey reconciled, their relationship wasn't troubled at all, compared to say, fifteen - twenty years ago. Sure, they argued about things occasionally, but it was never something they couldn't get over. It hadn't even been a week yet, when Lindsey moved into the guest room and Stevie was already aching to have him back in every way.

Stevie had no idea how long it had been, when she heard Lindsey's voice from behind her, which startled her slightly. 

"What is she like?" He asked, hesitating to enter the room.

Spinning around to face him, Stevie swallowed uneasily, staring at him, his eyes not leaving hers either. She didn't expect him to come to her. "She's... she's beautiful." Was the first thing Stevie thought of. 

By no means had Lindsey softened towards Stevie, but he wanted to know at least something about the girl, who could be his daughter too. Led by genuine curiosity, he decided to go to Stevie, hoping that his emotions wouldn't get the better of him and he would be able to keep those walls he had built intact. 

"Alice wants to meet you, too. It's just all very overwhelming right now, so she wants to take it easy and I told her that all the decisions are hers to make."

Casting his eyes down, Lindsey stuck his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, asking. "Did you tell her something about... about me?"

"Alice asked about her father, so I tried to explain to her the best I could, without actually telling her I was a drugged out mess. I said, at the time I had two men in my life and that I believe, with all my heart, that her father is the love of my life, the man I'm married to." Pausing for a moment, Stevie then added. "And that's the truth. Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew there was a possibility, but I always believed that you are Alice's father, Lindsey."

It was painful to hear that, in a way. It didn't mean Lindsey fell out of love with Stevie, because of what happened, he was just so deeply hurt and still mad at her, that he couldn't quite get past it yet. Hearing her say that he's the love of her life and such, it hurt, because he didn't let himself do anything about it. Of course he wanted to go back to how they used to be; he wanted to go over to her and hug her, kiss her, tell her he loved her, too, but... but not yet. If ever. He wanted her to know the extent of the damage she'd done. 

"Does she look like you?" Lindsey spoke up after a minute, leaning against the doorway.

Stevie couldn't fight back a smile, nodding her head. "It sounds selfish maybe, but Alice looks so much like me." Her eyes welled up with tears. "I can't forgive myself that I didn't see her grow up to who she is today. For all these years, I told myself not to think about her, because it hurt me too. I gave up my own child." Stevie cried, clutching her chest. "When Sheryl was here, when we were on the way to her apartment today... I was so quiet, I seemed detached, because all I could think about was what if all she felt for me was hatred for leaving her? I just... I couldn't live with that." Stevie shook her head, wiping tears with the back of her hand.

Clenching his fist, Lindsey took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He wanted to comfort her, he didn't want her to hurt, but...

"Have you discussed, when we could meet with Alice again?" 

"I..." Stevie stammered, then gave him a nod. "Yes, Sheryl said, you could see Alice this weekend, we both agreed to give her some time to think this through."

"Alright, good." Lindsey said, nodding once and with that he was gone.

And there she was, thinking they were getting somewhere...