Sonata [SEBASTIAN STAN]

THIRTY FOUR

─

he wishes he actually had a plan.

he texted mel telling her he knew what he was doing, when really all he'd done was buy a ticket on a plane to san francisco leaving that night. now, he's sitting in the back of a cab headed to her apartment with no luggage and no plan. all he has is a pen, a piece of paper, a single white carnation, and a head full of uncertainties and possibilities.

his head is resting against the window, watching the city lights fly by, but his fingers are tapping out a frantic rhythm. he's fairly sure if he stops moving he'll explode. a thousand questions are twisting his stomach into knots, the biggest of them all threatening to cut off his supply of air.

do you feel the same?

he's practiced the question the whole flight there, but only in his head. he's never actually uttered them aloud. and he's certainly never said them to june, which is what really matters.

he practices breathing. ever since he's met june, he's gotten good at pacing his breaths. because, if he's being honest, sometimes when he's around her he forgets to breathe entirely.

too soon, the taxi is pulling up outside her tiny apartment. sebastian hands the driver a wad of bills in a daze. the freezing night air hits him when he gets out of the taxi, and he shivers. he climbs the steps to her bright blue front door.

one hand behind his back, he presses his finger to the brass doorbell. he listens to it chime, a perfect harmony to the frantic beat of his heart. forget butterflies. there's an entire army in the pit of his stomach charging forward.

for june! he imagines the tiny soldiers yelling.

it's a bizarre, nonsensical thought but it makes him smile a little bit, and for a second he doesn't feel like he's about to pass out.

then he hears a laugh and the door is opening and all the blood is rushing to his head. june is standing there in front him, a smile still on her face, and everything sort of freezes for a second. there's a roaring sound in his ears, and he feels entirely numb except for the cold breeze stinging his cheeks.

because june is there standing in front of him. and her cheeks are pink and her hair is falling in her eyes and she's wearing a ridiculous sweater that says 'cello from the other side' and he just really wants to kiss her.

"seb?"

her voice jolts him from his reverie.

"um, hi?"

he manages a sheepish grin.

"what are you doing here?"

the words are right there. waiting patiently on his tongue to be released into the damp night air.

i saw the shooting star that night on the roof and i said i didn't know what to wish for. i lied because for the first time in my life i knew what i wanted.

i wished for you, june.

his lips part, and then a male voice calls out and he's frozen again.

"june? who is it?"

a scruffy head of blonde hair pokes around the corner. suddenly there's a man standing next to june, a good natured grin on his handsome face. he's standing too close to her.

he extends a hand. sebastian shakes it, but doesn't ever actually feel their palms collide.

"hi, i'm miles. you're sebastian stan, of course. june made me watch all of the captain america movies with her," he grins.

he pokes her in the ribs, and she laughs. she shoves him back with her elbow and he's looking down at her and they're too close. sebastian feels like he's going to throw up.

"oh. nice to meet you. how do you know june?"

please, please, please don't say-

"i'm her boyfriend."

miles says something after that but there's a ringing in his ears that drowns everything out. suddenly the freezing air feels way too hot and everything is spinning. his heart is pounding strangely in his chest, and then he thinks maybe it stops beating entirely.

"so, what brings you here?" june asks, entirely unaware that his heart has just cracked inside his ribs.

"i was just...in the neighborhood. thought i'd say hi," he manages in a faint voice. "i should go though. it's late."

he forces a smile.

june is looking at him strangely, but he finds it's much too painful to look her in the eyes. not when her fingertips are intertwined with miles's, who's waving cheerfully and closing the door behind sebastian. the blue front door severs their eye contact and june disappears from his view.

he makes it down three steps before he doubles over.

he slumps down on the steps, his breaths coming too fast. he leans forward to put his head in his hands and hears a crinkle. he opens his palm.

the carnation is there, but the petals have been marred and crushed by his fist. it lies limply next to the note he carefully tied on its stem.

will you go to prom with me?

he crumples up the note and throws it out into the street. it seems stupid to him now, endlessly naive. he shoves the remnants of the flower in his pocket and stands up.

there's nothing left for him here now.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: my finger slipped oops