He Says...She Says (A Spoof on the Eternal Battle of the Sexes)

Andrew Epsilon(8) squirmed a bit in his pew. He had heard the sermon before. Many times. It was a theme and variations by his Minister, a gaunt, anorectic looking Monk named Joshua Omicron(7). Dressed in the uniform for the Brothers of the Church of the Originators, black breeches, white shirt and gray vest, Brother Joshua appeared somber as he harangued the congregation about the importance of observing the commandment for celibacy.

Andrew's mind wandered a bit as did his glance. Around him, every seat was filled with male worshipers like himself. All looked serious and attentive, but who knew where their minds were? Andrew suspected that many others were bored to tears as well.

The Monk rattled on highlighting, as usual, his favorite biblical reference from Genesis which began:

"So the Lord God again cast a deep sleep upon the man, Adam, and while he slept, He took a second of Adam's ribs and closed up the flesh at that spot. And the Lord God fashioned the rib that He had taken from the man into another man. And the new man was called Andro Alpha(2), meaning the second male to be created directly by God, and the first from Adam's flesh."

Brother Joshua's voice droned on and on and Andrew felt himself drowsing off during the familiar story of the Garden of Eden. Even as a child he had been awestruck with wonder about the punishment Eve had received for having tempted Adam with the forbidden fruit: Eve and her descendants, doomed by God to remain forever segregated from men, deprived of their kindness, strength, protection and support.

He knew that it was considered sinful to feel pity for females, but he often could not help himself. His contact with females was extremely limited. His knowledge of them, however, was greater than that of most of his generation. His job at the Bureau of Records, and his high security clearance, gave him access to many archives. While some were still blocked and off

limits to him, he had read enough over the years to feel sorry for the deprivation of male companionship experienced by the residents of Gyntown across the river.

Andrew was suddenly jolted alert by the precipitous termination of the sermon. A major disturbance had been in progress outside the church since the beginning of the service. It was not the first time. This week's group called itself the Genderquals, with an avowed goal of reuniting the sexes. A very dangerous thesis. The group was small and its demonstration seemed easily contained by the security detail assigned to keep the peace.

But now, two protesters had somehow slipped past the guards and burst into the sanctuary. What at first appeared to be two men in outerwear cloaks charged down the aisle chanting, "Restore what was meant to be: heterosexual harmony!"

Watching them tear off their cloaks as they neared the pulpit, it became clear to Andrew, and to everyone else, that one of the two was...oh my God...a woman!

Brother Joshua was momentarily transfixed with horror at this degradation of his sanctuary. A growing murmur of shocked surprise among the congregants was quickly growing into a roar of confusion.

For many congregants, this was the first viewing of a live female, and they pressed back away from the aisle fearing contamination. Andrew was caught between the physical withdrawal of the men in his pew and his own desire to get a bit closer to the action. He, of course, had interacted with women at the Bureau, but only by screen, never in the flesh. That was forbidden. So he was not surprised to find that his aroused curiosity more than offset any reticence he might have felt.

"Get them! Stop them!" It was the minister shouting now above the tumult to the security guards closing quickly behind the two intruders. Just before the large peace-net was cast upon the couple, which blocked his vision, Andrew got a good look at them both.