Complicated

Him. . .

                  He was a boy I never imagined I’d be friends with, or fall in love with.

                It was another year, and I kept telling myself, another year another me. A fresh start, forget about last year’s bullies, or last year’s mistakes. This year, less bullies, less mistakes and higher grades, or so I thought.  

                I saw him on the first day of class, his locker was beside mine but he didn’t notice me then, though he did notice me when I walked to my first class.

               That’s the time I had a proper look at his face. He had a neck long black hair and pale skin, he didn’t smile or anything at anyone, he didn’t even talk to anyone. It was as if he didn’t know anyone in class or maybe he just doesn’t want to talk. I know I’ve seen him somewhere since I was familiar with his face. But I didn’t know who he is. The seats were already reserved for other people’s friends and there I was standing in the middle of the room because I didn’t know where to seat. All thanks to my friends who left me because I had trouble enrolling this semester, nice friends I have right?

                The only seat available was the chair in front of him beside the window. It felt cold, and lonely. I wasn’t used to not talking to anyone. I always had my friends with me, I was easily bored and they always gave me something to do, I’m different when they’re around. I depend too much on them.

                Lunch came by and I saw him sitting by himself outside on the lawn eating alone and just staring into oblivion. I was supposed to eat with Aly and Trish but I guess they can have lunch without me. I somehow felt sorry towards the guy.

 His name’s Darren Perez and he just moved here in town with his Uncle and I’m guessing he doesn’t know anyone. He doesn’t look friendly; he’s the type of person you approach first. And for the first time I felt nervous. This is the first time I’m making an effort to make friends with someone and I’m somehow afraid to be let down, especially by a guy.

“Already done?” I asked as I sat beside him, he was already packing his lunch not even eating half of his sandwich. I offered him a smile and he smiled back and nodded. I was hoping he’d ask me something but that never happened he went back to staring at nothing while I awkwardly ate my lunch alone.

After class Aly and Trish caught up to me and asked why I ditched them to eat lunch with a weird stranger and honestly I didn’t know what to say. All I know was, I felt sorry for him and I was also curious as to why he liked being alone.

I started going to school early a few weeks after school because I hated my house. And every time I got there early he was already there, he was either reading or just staring at nothing, and sometimes you’d see him writing something. I never really asked why he went to school 3 hours before class but I never got the courage to do so.

My friends started noticing my glances and too much attention towards him, and I guess that’s when I realized that I may have feelings for him. And now that I know the more I feel awkward towards him, I feel like I should be careful or else I’d say something wrong and I’d lose the chance of us being friends. I was too conscious.

When I woke up I decided to dye my hair copper red for a slight change. I felt weird looking at myself whit the different colour. I was so used to the black colour I felt like red didn’t really suit me. But when he saw me he said I look fine and it looks good on me. After that, we started talking, no more awkward silence, and no more secret glances, there was only questions after questions being answered, and we never ran out of things to talk about. I learned so many things about him, but he never really knew me. We had a lot in common, like taste in food, perception in relationships, and salt. I enjoyed his company, but I never knew if he ever enjoyed mine.

We became close, up to the point that Aly and Trish kept pestering me whether or not we were dating, and whenever I said no they would coo and say it looks like we are dating.

We were talking about our personalities and goals when all of a sudden he said:

“I’m complicated aren’t I” it wasn't a question it was more like a confirmation. His deep voice lingered in my head

“Complicated? How?” I asked back

“Well you know, I have so many rules and thoughts about a lot of stuff and sometimes they’d get jumbled up inside my head. I have a lot of family problems and use hierarchy for my friends and needs and family members”

“Well if you put it that way, you do sound complicated”

“And misleading” he added. That’s when he got my full attention “Back at my old school I had friends who misunderstood my actions, and I never knew how to fix them, especially since I don’t really like change, and I don’t like being in a relationship. I thought they knew I was always like that”

“So some got mad?”

“Yeah, they thought that I was flirting” just like what you’re currently doing to me?

“And you don’t want to fix that?”

“Not really. I told you I’m not open to change”

“So what if another girl misunderstands your intentions?”

“That’s why I tell them beforehand that my actions are misleading so they know what’s coming their way” he explained, I think by then he felt that I was currently annoyed at him

“So it’s their responsibility to not misunderstand you since you already told them you’re misleading? Is that it? You do know that falling for someone is inevitable right? Especially if you are showing some interest in that specific person, any kind of interest, if you’re flirting you should take responsibility, telling them not to expect anything since you already told them that you’re a misleading person doesn’t mean they still won’t feel anything for you. If you don’t want anyone misunderstanding you, you should fix your attitude and don’t flirt”

I didn’t talk to him after class, we didn’t left campus together and I didn’t reply to his text. I was just so frustrated that I didn’t want to talk to him for a while, I told Trish what I learned about him and she like me, got angry. He’s a flirt. A flirt who wasn’t worth my time.

So here I am, eating lunch alone in the cafeteria because my friends had other plans and from time to time I would glance at his direction and see him looking at me, and I would fight with myself to not go over to his table and eat with him. Acting like nothing’s wrong never works for me, I get affected too much with every problem that I encounter and this; this is very hard to ignore.

For a few nights I kept telling myself that I’d move on, because there’s nothing to gain if I kept liking him, he’s not a committed person, he doesn’t like relationships. He’s right, he is a complicated person. And I don’t want to be part of that mess.

But every time, I tell myself to not like him, after a few minutes I repeat his name in my head like a mantra, how can I ever stop liking him? It’s a good thing there’s only a month left before school ends because I don’t think I could move on when I see him every day.

Only a month left, before this complicated feeling will end.

Patience.

I still miss you, D.P.

I'll miss your complications.