The Secret Life Of The American Teenager [SEASON 6] Together Forever

Episode 45: a life unlived part 2

'I didn't know how to feel, how to breathe. I just wished the doctors would talk to me. Even though i wouldn't respond cause i layed there as if i had died. But i was still there. I could still see a little bit of life left. I could see a bit of life glowing in my cheeks. All the tubes that were covering my face looked scary. But it was to keep me alive.
This pregnancy was very difficult.

A little while ago when Doctor Worthly came in to check on me, i could hear him talking, but just a very blurry talk; to one of the nurses. That if i would survive child birth, i should never try to get pregnant again cause it would end into a disaster.

Pregnancy would be my death eventually.

This was the only chance i would have to become a mom again. Cause it would be my death... pregnancy would be the death of me at some point in my life.

That was something i could not forget. What if i lost this baby? What if i want to have a child in 10 years when i'm 28? I couldn't! Cause it would mean the death... of me. I still couldn't figure out what had happened? Why this was happening? Was it because i screamed i never wanted a baby? Was this my karma for not wanting to become a mother again?

All i knew was that i did want this baby.

Obviously, i never planned to become pregnant again. But things happened and i chose to stay pregnant. And now i choose to have this baby in my life. If i can still have a life after this.

If i lose this baby, i can never come back from this. All the guilt i would feel, all the pain that would ache my heart, all the problems i would have to face.

If i lose myself, i will not be able to see my child, to see her grow into a beautiful woman herself, i would not be able to say thank you to my mom... & to sort things out with Ricky. There would just not be a chance.

But either way,... i will be losing myself. Cause if i die i won't be here anymore. But if my baby dies i will also -not be here anymore.
Physically, yes! But my soul would be wandering the dark streets until the end of time.
-

He was walking around waiting for some kind of news to follow. To hear the doctor call out for him to tell him that Amy and the baby were okay. To have some kind of news. This was a torture. It has been almost 2 days since Amy was in labor. He could only be thinking about the worse that could come from all of this. 'And it would all be my fault.' He thought.

-
"Anne, i need to go. I can't leave my restaurant like this. My assistant had an emergency and i have to go, i have to run the place." He said, looking down.
Anne nodded. "I understand George, just go. I'll call you when i hear something." George nodded and silently walked away, looking at the surgery room where Amy was in, one last time before he disappeared out of sight.

Anne felt hopeless but most importantly, helpless. Her daughter was laying there and could possibly die because of this thing that the doctors in New York couldn't find out sooner? She did not have pre-eclampsia but eclampsia all along! And now, they couldn't do anything but hoping it would be okay?

Ricky sat down on a waitingroom chair next to Anne.

"I will never have a chance in telling Amy what i feel, where i see us in 5 years from now."
"Don't say that, Ricky! You can still tell her that. She'll be okay!"

Ricky, as energyless as he was at that point; shook his head. "You don't know that. It's my fault she's here in the first place. If i hadn't..."

Anne stopped him at that sentence.

"You can't keep blaming yourself for this, Ricky! It's not your fault she had complications during her pregnancy. It's the doctors in New York's fault. They missed the fact that she had eclampsia all along!" Anne sighed.

"The doctors are responsible for messing up her results, but i am..." he swallowed. "I am responsible for breaking her heart, for getting her pregnant and for putting her in this position."
He quickly wiped one of his tears away. "

I just should have left her alone at band camp." He said, truthfully. Looking into the distance, processing his memories of how he met Amy.

Anne looked confused. "Is the guilt you have from this situation about this pregnancy or the previous one?"

Ricky looked away.
"Both." He said.

"If i wouldn't have bothered her at band camp she wouldn't be here right now. She would have been happy and Amy would have had the life she always wanted."

He sighed.

"I took that from her. And for that i will never forgive myself."