Let's start at the very beginning...
This guy was amazing, funny, sweet, and pretty damn good looking! I really liked him.
So where was the problem?
We were only 6!
Not the ideal age to have a boyfriend. It's pretty weird to even think about anyone having a boyfriend that young! At that age, you're still at the innocent age when boyfriend literally just means 'a boy who is a friend'.
Typically, you shouldn't be worrying about boys until at least the age of 13, possibly even 14!
To a 6-year-old me, it wasn't about wanting to be his girlfriend - I doubt I even knew what that meant - it was just about "liking" him. These were the days when Disney Channel was still innocent, and it was safe for children of 6 to watch. Well, from what I remember, anyway.
His name was Taylor and every time we went on the playground, I'd always get one of my friends to ask him if he would come play "mums and dads" with us. Obviously he would play the dad and I would play the mum.
It was innocent play.
Then fast forward a few years. I was probably about 14 when I got the biggest crush on my then best friend's older brother. He was so cute and I just thought he was so cool!
He was always nice to me (well he was really nice to everyone but I still took as a compliment). I felt like maybe...just maybe...I might actually have my first boyfriend. We talked heaps and months went by. Months turned into years, and before I knew it, I was 18 and nothing had happened. Pages of my diaries were filled with talking about how much I liked him. Fly through that year and I went off to study.
In my class, I met a guy. Luke was pushed to the back of my mind and Robert took over the 'crush' section of my brain. He was so cute. To be honest, though, I hadn't actually noticed him in that way in the beginning. It kinda started when he fell back on his chair and hit his head on the wall and floor, in class. Weird moment to realize you have a crush on a guy, but that is how it happened. Some of my friends at tech talked to him and found out that Robert had a massive crush on me. I felt so amazing. A cute guy actually liked me! I couldn't believe it! I felt sure that I headed on a track to finally having my first boyfriend! We talked heaps. It first started with Facebook chats and then later we exchanged cellphone numbers and began texting...all the time. Every spare moment I had, we would talk. Even late into the night. I was falling hard and fast for this guy. It went on for almost 4 months. By the end of December, I told him that I loved him, which would turn out to be the stupidest thing I could have said to him. He never said it back. He wasn't serious. Not as serious as I was. January came around. My birthday was on the 4th. He said Happy Birthday to me and then have the excuse that he was now out of credit so he couldn't text me after that, and that he would text me when he had credit again. So I waited. His birthday came around on the 8th, and I sent him a Happy Birthday text, as well as posted a message on his Facebook wall. He liked only my post Nd I felt really special about that.
Still I was head over heels for this guy! I was completely high off the thought that I actually had a boyfriend. He was amazing. I continued to wait for his text. Nothing. I text him. No reply. My friend text him and he replied to her! I knew something was going on. Something wasn't right about this whole situation. I tried messaging him on Facebook, and I was hit with it.
He told me to stop talking to him because he had met someone else. I was crushed. Everything inside me felt like it was breaking. My heart was being torn out of my chest. I wanted to cry out and yell and scream. How could he do this to me? Apparently they'd already been seeing eachother for two weeks! Why did this have to happen to me? I couldn't understand it. What had I done to deserve this?
For about two months, I would cry all the time and listened to very dark and depressing music. I started filling my diary with thoughts of how much I hated him but didn't. And how I still loved him but didn't. I was so confused and hurt and angry. And then something happened. I stopped crying. I literally didn't cry for the rest of the year! I forced myself to have no emotions. I was like a zombie. If something bad came up, I'd write it down or not say anything at all. And anything that hurt me, I'd just smile off.
I watched on Facebook as Robert got another new girlfriend about four times. And then one day he talked to me and I broke down. I was sitting in the lounge with my family, when the Facebook message popped up on my cellphone screen. I got up and went to my room. Sitting on my bed, I fell back against the wall and cried. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LITERALLY MONTHS!! I was crying!
I texted my then best friend and told her what had just happened. She texted him and asked him what was up and why was he messaging me all of a sudden, when he said he didn't want anything to do with me anymore and that I'm not allowed to talk to him ever again. He was very apologetic and felt genuinely bad for what he'd done to me. For cheating. And he wanted to be friends again. I changed my mind about three times. Saying we could and then couldn't before finally saying we could be friends again. I didn't really forgive him because he'd been my first boyfriend and I still couldn't get over, but I didn't bring up the past. I hadn't forgotten, and I still haven't (obviously). But I didn't want to make him feel anymore like shit than he already did. He felt bad about what he'd done and that's all that mattered.
So we talked. It wasn't the same though. It was a bit awkward. We didn't talk like we used to. It was very basic texting. Nothing deep. We used to talk about literally everything, from crushes to sex to our favorite movies and music. But not anymore. We couldn't go back to how we were. We could just be friends.
Until now...we stopped talking again and he has a new girlfriend. I haven't talked to him since last month when he wished me a happy birthday and then on the 8th January I wished him a happy birthday and never heard anything back.
So he is out of my life, pretty much.
The story with Luke was that I went back to liking him after Robert broke my heart but then Luke did something that made me forget about that crush. He hurt someone and I didn't like that. I saw an aggressive side to him that I don't want in a future boyfriend/partner/husband.
I was digging around the other day, through papers and other little notebooks and stuff, that I've gathered up over the years of my life. I came across an envelope and upon turning it over, I realized what it was. I had written out my life plans, complete with lists of children names I liked. There was a letter if written to myself five years ago, at the age of 15. I was upset and clearly the depression had hit me hard that day. It was one of those refill pages with the lines on it. From those 200 page writing pads. I'd started off the letter with everything I wanted in a guy, and then I wrote the letter. I'm not going to write it out because it's personal but to summarize it, I was feeling depressed about being single, and going on about how I was never going to meet the type of guy I was looking for because I was dreaming too big and asking for too much.
Three years later though Robert came into the picture. I used to think Luke matched everything on my list. For a long time he did. But then he hurt his sister (my then best friend) and I knew then he was not the guy for me.
Robert didn't really fit with my list, except maybe a couple of things. But that relationship failed anyway.
So here I am, at 20 years old. Still a virgin (and proud). Never been kissed. Twice broken hearted.
Single.
It must be fates way of telling me that either I'm not ready for a guy yet. Or maybe I'm not meant to ever have a boyfriend/husband. Maybe I'm meant to be single for life.
And I'm still trying to figure out if is be okay with that. But I've survived this long without a guy, so who really knows.
On to the next part...
