Letters through the dark night

Letter 5

"Sometimes, there is nothing better than to gaze outwards and just... exist. Because that way, perhaps the thoughts of becoming something will just fly away."

Why do we always have to ponder about the meaning of life?

Is it because we have nothing better to do? That we occasionally have to be selfish to think that there is a reason for us to stay? That we, I don't know... wonder what is the meaning of existence in itself and why we do what we do?

Perhaps we're just simply trying to understand what we are suppose to achieve.

In reality though, what is the significance of achievements? What will we gain by finding the mysterious answer to this question of life?

I suppose we're better off trying to figure out what we are to become in life first.

Because otherwise, we might drown in our despair.

Or just me.

Because somehow, they're like shadows, those questions that consistently make you... want to disappear.

But ah...

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a perfect world?

In a world where those thoughts won't swirl around your mind again and again like some useless balls of dust that does nothing but suffocate you all around.

In a world where you don't have to put on your masks and let it wear when you realise that you can't put it up forever.

In a world where you know that others won't despise you or misunderstand you.

It just seems so... unrealistic... too good to be true.

In real life, I just want to curl up and hide somewhere. Somewhere where I can be alone. To deal with those thoughts, to be able to be alone peacefully without anyone interfering, without having to worry about the billions of people in this world, the thousands that know me, so that I don't have to be sensitive.

No matter what, I just can't seem to be alone.

Where there's people, I'm not alone.

Where there's no one, I'm not alone.

But then, I also don't want to be alone.

But I just need some time and space but my thoughts and feelings are all just too jumbled up and there's nothing for me to do but to bear them painstakingly long and just pity myself for having made those thoughts.

There are others, suffocating worse problems than you. So why do you have to do this to yourself?

But I don't know!

We all have different problems but I just seem to create more and more problems for myself and the world I just want to... to... I don't even know what I want anymore except to be happy... but when will that come? In this world with expectations, in this world with corruption, in this world with misunderstanding and a lack of empathy...

In the end, I just come up with the same conclusion: We're all alone no matter what.

Even though I constantly feel bombarded and trapped within the confines of this world, I just can't seem to break free and there are always thoughts of how no one understands. How no one sees the way you see the world. How no one understands your feelings and thoughts and your situation and that people seem to be just living seamlessly in this world following the same cycle again and again it's just -