As Long As I Love you- Leondre Devries

The Diagnosis

3 years 354 days

That is how long. How long I have had this dreaded disease. How long I have had this killer. How long I have had leukaemia.

I got diagnosed with leukaemia when it was my tenth birthday. It was just after dinner and I was getting ready for my birthday party with my mum and apparently I just collapsed. I then remember later on having the doctor tell me You have leukaemia but other than that my life is pretty normal.

The doctors have described me as a grenade. A grenade because grenade's can go off at any time and the doctors not knowing when I will die because they know I am dying is like me being a grenade. To be quite honest I completely agree with them. I mean I can go anytime. I could go today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Who knows?

Does anyone know about my cancer? except from mammy Sarah no. I haven't told anyone on purpose. I don't want people to start feeling sorry for me and giving me attention, I don't want that. I just want to try and do a GCSE before dying. I haven't even told my best friend Chloe. I know I should but at the moment she is all loved up with this boy from some band. The last thing I actually want is me telling her then her 'accidentally' spilling to lover boy.

So yes, I am at the doctors at the moment with my mother waiting for my test to come back from my last blood test. It actually terrifies me. The thought of dying. I mean if something happens I could be gone in an instant and that is something I really don't want.

Mum was checking her phone every now and then because we had been waiting for the doctor for a good 45 minutes maybe less but it was around that long and she was getting stressed because we had a masquerade ball tonight and she didn't want us to be late and she wanted us to have enough time to get ready and stuff.

The doctor came back in and sat on the chair in front of me.

"Sorry about that Ab, they didn't have your results back," He said smiling and put the paper on his desk

"What does it say?" I ask him curiously because his facial expression had changed completely.

"Ab, your blood tests are showing that the cancer has spread even more, you only have 50 days after today to live," He said with sorrow in his voice.

You see, this is Doctor Lazar, he had been my doctor for ever and we were like attached he was the father figure I always wanted. He nearly cried when I found out I had cancer and now this has probably hurt him more than me because he has done everything he possibly can to try and keep me alive for as long as I can but do you know what he shouldn't be so hard on himself, I knew the day would come.

I looked over at mum, she had tears in her eyes an I sighed at her, my big brown eyes tearing up at the fact that mum and Doctor Lazar were really emotional.

"Thank you Doctor Lazar for your help today!" Mum said and got up off the chair and I followed after her. We walked to the car and as soon as we got in mum let out a big loud sob.  I sat there awkwardly not knowing what to do.  Fifty days gives me time for my 14th birthday and i have 25 things to do on my bucket list so if I can manage to do all of it in the final fifty days I will die happy.

"Mum, I am fine, don't cry, it would have happened sooner or later and now you have time to prepare for it?"  I speak trying to make her less upset

I always feel terrible because my mum is the only person who knows and the pressure on her must be so horrible.  I would hate it to see my daughter live her last fifty days and it would kill me. I can only imagine how my mum is feeling I mean how would you feel? 

I had always told my mum not to worry about me dying but I was scared.  I know so many suicidal people and they dont realise what they have if they are now put in my position, yes they want to die but until your actually dieing there and then they will never realise how scary it is.