This is Who I am

My name is Josh McGran. I am the kinda guy who can do anything for his loved ones, anything at all. I’m friendly, Straight (a lot of people think I'm gay cuz i love Twilight)  non-judgmental, understanding, sympathetic, anti-bully, forgiving, semi-liberal, semi-conservative,   … well I am a lot of things in my definition, but in your eyes you are probably gonna have a different opinion about me so let it be it. My image will be formed in your heart by experiences with me, not by my words about myself. But one thing I gotta tell you is that, I can do anything for the ones I love and I never abandon my loves ones under any circumstance or for anyone else.

I never ever judge anyone based on their socio-economic-communal background. I don’t care where you live, whether you are rich or poor, I have nothing against which religion you follow, I don’t believe in communism because it just creates barriers between hearts. I won’t treat you differently because of your family background or socio-economic-communal status, but I will treat you the way you treat me. Respect is earned, not given or bought. So if you want respect from others, you better respect them first. And of course if someone doesn’t return your kindness and nice behavior, you can always do the opposite of goodness. But for me, the option is always just walking away silently, because there are very few people I’ve said anything to on their face, and I’ve done that only after they have hurt or harmed me in anyway. So if I’m not being so nice to you, there is a reason behind it. Cause I don’t misbehave with anyone without any reason.

I’m not so random, I tend to try to find logic in things and make some sense, but of course at some points all of us talk some non-sense stuff. There are also times when I get hurt and angry and say things which I don’t mean. I know it’s hard, but if you like who I am, then you gotta keep it in mind that in anger we all say stuff we really don’t mean, and don’t hang on to mean or hurtful words.

I won’t judge you unless you judge me. I won’t hurt you unless you hurt me. But I will like you even if you don’t like me if you are so likable.

I’m not a random kinda person, but sometimes I say a bit random things, but that’s only trying to be funny cuz who wants to be so serious. But I am a serious kinda guy. I’ve been through stuff. I’m all there for my friends if they need a shoulder to cry on and ears to listen, but there are only a very few number of friends who have lent me their shoulder to cry on. I do have problems, I’m not perfect, neither are you, so admit it and stop pretending things. I do cry a lot and fuss a bit, I just got tired of burying everything in my heart.

I’m not afraid to admit that I act really silly, stupid, ridiculous, I screw up, I accept who I am and I’m not gonna change just because you don’t like it and think I need to change. Call me self-centered but this is just who I am. I share my thoughts, pain, happiness, what I call sharing is something some people call rubbing in their face. Who said my life or I am perfect, I’m just someone who won’t hide in the closet being afraid to criticism.

I’ve worn my heart on my sleeves, got my heart broken a lot of times, a lot of times by the same person, but I keep loving with the broken heart, cuz love is nothing but a broken heart. Saying goodbyes and moving on, is just not my thing. I don’t leave my loved ones for anything or anyone under any circumstance. I just don’t do goodbyes. Cause I don’t wanna. When I love someone, I want to be with them, keep them in my life and be in theirs’. Maybe not all the time if not possible, but still.  Nowadays being too much in love is called stupidity.

We all make mistakes, cause we are humans, we are not flawless. I admit my mistakes. Okay, sometimes I blame others, but I don’t blame others when they don’t have any contribution in my pain.

I don’t control my emotions all the time. I do cry a lot, fuss, sulk, self-pity, self-loathing. Sometimes I really Need to express it all. Sometime I really do like to keep things to myself, and sometimes I really, so damn need someone who would say “it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Tell me what you are really feeling”. To be honest, I’ve said this to others, and only a few have opened themselves and felt better. Rest, they just said “forget it, I gotta go” and left. I’m not ashamed of my vulnerability. Something or someone hurts me and sometimes it’s really hard to hide the pain when I’ve been hurt to the core.

I am someone who is looking for love. Real dedicated love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. I wish there was someone who needed the same, who felt the same. It’s really hard to find that kinda person who is just like me or better than me, but compatible to me. I found that someone, I fell in love with her, she fell in love with me too, we’ve gone through a lot, then she fell out of love with me and one day she said that she doesn’t love me anymore. And then she said she hated me. What she hated the most is that I shared my story with others and people without knowing her judged her and it all just made her look bad. So please, don’t blame someone without knowing their whole story.

But I still love  her and will always love her and i don't give a damn to what the hell anyone thinks. My life, my rules, I can love anyone I want.

Damn this has been so long, I don’t know how many of you have reached till here. But thank you for reading this much. This is all who I am, well there can be more, but for now, that’s it. So this is who I am, accept me the way I am or just leave, cuz I can’t take more criticism, I love being myself instead of pretending to be someone other people would like. I won’t change for someone who isn’t ready to change for me. What I say with a calm mind is what I really mean. So with a calm mind I'm saying this, I accept you the way you are, so you do the same or leave cuz I'm not going to change for those who don't really care about me.

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