Did you ever think about how big of an effect such a simple decision can make? Decisions are building blocks of life, and every decision has an impact, whether It be big or small. People, in general, never really take the time to think decisions through. They choose split second, and at that moment you think you made the right choice... until something changes.
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"Tess!" Summer shouted as she waved her long arm over the crowd. I looked up at her and nodded my head. Sure she's my best friend, but she can get really annoying. She's always so upbeat and I'm always so, well, downbeat. Yes I like to make up words, and phrases, get use to it. I also like to talk to myself like I'm talking to another person. ...Like I'm doing now.
"What's up?" I asked as she pushed pass the remaining people in the hall, and stood next to me at my locker. The end of the school day, yet again. Time to go home and go straight into my bed room, so I can close my eyes and pretend my life isn't complete shit, and maybe I can find something worth living for.
"What are the plans for tonight?" Summer asked, looking down at her phone, texting someone. It was completely obvious to me that she had better things to do then hang out with me.
"Uh, What are you going to do?" Trying to keep the sorrow out of my voice, and pretend that my "Bestfriend" really was my "Friend", and she wasn't embarrassed to be seen with me.
"Well theres a party tonight, up at the prom spot..." she continued as I kept walking, my mind lost in its own little black world. "...I think I'm gonna go...." I still think its quite Hilarious that I have so many people who claim to be my friend, and claim to "Care about me", yet none of them, not Even Summer can take a split second to ask me why I hide. No I don't literally hide, I just hide my sadness. "... I'm going to get so wasted dude." HA! There's a surprise. My best friend, the sixteen year old, alcoholic, pill-head stoner. I gotta admit, Shes so pathetic, she makes me feel just a little bit better about myself. "...Oh, brian's going to be there, I already fucked his brother, but he's next on my list of potential victims..." I decided I would cut in there.
"Isn't he like.. 14?" I asked her slightly disgusted.
"Yeahhhh" She answered drawn out, like it was a question.
"He's like a little kid, can he even get hard? I paused, not wanting to know the answer.
"I saw him hard, I felt him hard, I just haven't fucked him yet..." She spoke proudly.
"Your gross." I laughed it off, not wanting her know how true that statement was. "I'm just going to go home then I guess, text me later if you want." I stepped out of the school, and headed towards my house. My shitty little apartment to go suffer another weekend alone with my dad. My tormentor.
It was getting closer to dark and I was laying alone on my bed, listening to some song, the screaming assaulting my ear drums. Trying to drown out the pain that was over-coming me. I felt the familiar burning in my eyes as I thought about my life. My family hates me, thats simple to see, and I never really let it bother me, until I found that I had no friends either. I wasn't a loser, or a loner, or any combination of the both. I was outspoken, smart, friendly to everyone. I talked to a lot of people, and could always make someone feel better, but on the inside I was broken.
My life had no meaning. Nothing to keep me here. I thought about death on countless occasions, and have come very close to letting it all go. I blinked my eyes to hold back the coming tears. My mother left me a couple years back, she needed something different I guess, probably a better life, one that doesn't include a fat, ugly daughter. One that doesn't include me. I thought about my sisters, both rich, married, Gorgeous, great bodies... and then I thought about how I could feel their embarrassment, just being seen with me. I could feel the anger, and the frustration of having to be seen with me, radiating off of them. I thought about my brothers, both happy in their own world, forgetting I even exist.
Tears started to fall freely from eyes now, and I forced back a sob. I wonder if anyone really knows what its like to be so alone. Literally and metaphorically. I'm always physically alone, but I'm also emotionally alone too. Having no one care about you, having no love in your life...It's the most painful thing anyone would ever have to endure, and I do it every day. Some how I have found the strength to push through for the past 16 years, but lately its getting harder and harder.
I bit my lip, and took a deep breath, wiping the tears from my cheeks, onto my pillows. I need something more, I need ANYTHING. I pushed myself off my bed, pain swishing around in my chest. I walked into the bathroom of our tiny apartment, and opened the medicine cabinet, reaching for the face wash, but focusing on the countless pill bottles. Taking a handful of anyone .... I slammed the mirror closed, pushing the thought from my head. My counselor told me to focus on something positive when the depression went to the darkest parts of my mind, the suicidal parts. But what is positive in my life? NOTHING!
I walked outside, taking in the cold air of a Pennsylvania December. Not long until I'm 17. One year Closer to 18. One year closer to freedom. A fresh dusting of white snow covered the road and the sidewalk. I pulled my hoodie tighter around me and walked down the street, hoping to use to cold air to clear my mind. I thought about Summer, outside, in this weather, beer in hand. I couldn't stop myself from mumbling how stupid she was.
I turned onto main street, heading towards the small memorial park in the center of town, maybe 3 blocks up. Sitting on a bench and thinking always seems to help me calm down. The wind began to blow, and my short brown hair lifted off my neck and made me shiver. I pulled the hood up over my head, and blew into my bare hands for warmth. I sat down on the bench, farthest from the road and stared at the concrete.
Why does my life have to be so miserable? What did I do to deserve this? I can't remember ever hurting anyone, or doing anything bad, that "the higher power" should have some reason to punish me. I guess he just thought it was funny to pick on fat, depressed kids. I shook my head and looked up, spotting a guy sitting on the bench across the park from me. He looked to be around my age, but who knows how old he really was.
I thought carefully for a few minutes, whether or not to start any kind of conversation, and how I would do it. I decided to be sarcastic. Sarcasm always works for me. It's like my second language.
"Nice night for a stroll huh?" I asked simply, walking up to him. His eyes connected with mine, and for a moment I felt some kind of spark, and it quickly faded, as my black heart drowned it out.
"oh yeaaah, the weather is perfect." a snowflake landed on his cheek, and he brushed it away. His brown eyes seemed happy, and I wondered if his life could even compare with mine.
"What are you doing outside?" I asked, trying to be casual, but regretting it after. It seemed like I was prying, and I didn't want that.
"Fighting with my dad, had to get away." He shook his head and I laughed. He looked over at me and quickly composed myself.
"Story of my life, toots." I laughed again. I decided maybe this kid would be worth talking to. "What's your name, or should I keep calling you toots, cos I can do that, I really don't mind." He looked at me like I was completely stoned... I wish I was.
"I'm Dom." He smiled again, and I got another little burst of sunshine, on my cloudy night.
"Tess." I stated, smiling back. "So...Dom." I said his name like an accusation. "What do you do for fun, besides sit on benches, in the freezing cold, on a Friday night?"
"A little bit of everything I guess." I was starting to get a vibe, like he didn't want to talk, and I'm not the kind of person to be pushy, so I decided to step off.
"thats cool I guess. Uh, Its getting kind of cold, I'm gonna head home." He looked up at me. "Nice chat Dom."
He looked at me as I stood up and he did the same. I waved casually and headed in the direction of my house, glancing over my shoulder to get one more look at the boy who quite possibly could have brought life back into my life with just a smile. How stupid was I to Just let it go?
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Going through some stuff, writing helps me cope, started this for personal reasons.
I need to find my light again.
