admittance

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by strawberryxswing

by strawberryxswing

admittance. December 2013

If my sixteen-year-old self was sitting right in front of me and was capable of reading minds she’d frown. She’d look me up and down in shock whilst shaking her head with a million questions forming a minute in her own mind.

She’d be thinking how?

I would shrug my shoulders and look up for a moment as I picture everything in my mind. Not being able to put it all in words I'd settle with replying with “it just happened.”

She’d ask why?

And once again I would shrug my shoulders, as a million and one things would swirl around in my mind. Everything I’ve witnessed, everything I like, everything I adore… everything that’s been done for me. That’s why. She would shake her head again, rolling her eyes on a sly.

She’d then ask me when?

I would release a sigh and think back to when I first thought it was but I always doubted myself. I was so adamant on it not being possible but it was. Maybe it really was that year when I first had the thoughts. It was only a couple of months ago that I was 100% sure though and so I would reply with that.

A couple of months ago.

She’d scoff and then ask me where?

A small smile would appear, as my mind would flicker back to all the different locations - theme parks, beaches, restaurants, events, uni and our homes. Her eyes would widen at the fact that I would mention my sanctuary, my haven - my bedroom. Anger would be evident in her eyes for even allowing someone to set foot in the place we felt the most safe and protected. My sixteen-year-old self would then wonder what other people thought about that. In fact she would ask it. I would give a small shrug in reply telling her that I don’t care what they think. She would be taken aback by my new attitude towards this matter and would continue to look at me intently.

Who?

Deep brown eyes. Amber when the sun hits them. That would be the first image to appear in my mind. I wouldn’t say a word but instead visually build the image up in my mind starting with my favourite features. I would smile to myself as my younger self would stare at me waiting for my answer, eager to find out who would change how she is and what she’s always thought she would never feel. She would sit there on the edge of the seat longingly awaiting my answer. I would peer into her chestnut brown eyes and tell her the two words she was hoping I wouldn’t say. We both hate being pulled in further and further to only be dropped with no answers. Knowing this I still told her the words “You’ll see.” She would release a disgruntled sigh before leaning back into the seat, meeting my gaze with her pleading eyes. She would ask me to tell her again and I would just shrug before smiling smugly to myself, enjoying her impatience and irritancy. She would stand up asking me again but would get no reply and then leave in a huff.

It’s funny how things change. How perspectives change. How just months ago I was just like my sixteen year old self but instead I sit here at the terrifying age of twenty. I sit here as a better person, a more confident person, a happy person, a person I never imagined I’d be when I was sixteen. The thing that would surprise her the most is that not only am I my own source of happiness but there is also someone else who makes me feel the same way I do myself.

Kaeden.

I could just picture my sixteen-year-old self, looking angry, annoyed and most of all afraid. As much as she would try to cover it up with all the other emotions she’s feeling only I would be able to see how afraid she is. How afraid I still am.

My eyes ran over what I had just written before closing my journal and putting it back on my shelf, in front of all my books. I lit an incense stick and some candles before collapsing onto my bed as I stared up at the dimly lit fairy lights that framed my neutral walls. I released a deep sigh as I ran the last sentence I had just written back in my mind on loop. I was stepping into new territory and as much as I was happy and as much as he made me happy I was still afraid. I was afraid of the unknown.

so a couple of days ago I actually posted something on ‘not all those who wander are lost’ I basically wrote how I was going to post something new and then went on to say how much I’m cringing throughout. I deleted it because like I said I was cringing and I just felt mad embarrassed. I felt like a flower girl like you don’t understand I was cursing every few words, because of how much I felt like chocolate digestive. I’ve now decided I would post it, so here it is. i’ve been writing for the past two-three months about one thing in particular and I’ve been storing it on my mac. here’s the first post, more will be explained in the next part.