Wicked Game

She’s killing me.

I’m walking behind her, following her footsteps engraved in the path. My heart continues to pound out of my chest and my lungs are burning. She hasn’t stopped walking, and neither have I. The pitch black darkness surrounds us, indulging us in discomfort.

I followed her into this darkness, and haven’t looked back ever since. There’s no light in this world. There is a distinct stanch of fear and betrayal. The darkness surrounds us like a fog, blanketing us in peril. There is no end to this sorrow. There is no hope here.

All my life, I’ve been living in this darkness. My father and mother abused me, neglected me and disowned me. I lived in the shadows, blinded by my conflicting emotions and dark, unpredictable consicous. I lost two peple who loved me. I lost the only two people that really cared. One of them was my soulmate.

Annabel. That was her name.

She was beautiful, caring, loving, open minded and compassionate. She was my everything. She died in a car crash. I was the one who was there when she passed. It was my fault, and now she’s gone. At her funeral, I stayed in the pouring rain, bent over on her grave. I fell asleep on the cold hard ground, trying to reach her. I've never cried as much as I did that day. 

Jennifer. That’s who I’ve been following. She’s an exact replica of Annabel. I met her three years ago. She’s just as beautiful and as friendly, but there’s just one thing.

She doesn’t love me.

I’ve been following her for three years now. I gave up everything, for this pain. I left my friends behind. I drowned out their cries and their warnings. They cared for me. I hurt them, lied to them, used them, just to get to Jennifer. I thought that she could help me, so I followed her, ignoring warnings and Through it all, however, they stuck by me; not giving up. They've been there more for me than Jennifer has, yet I left them behind. In this retched land, there’s no one here but me and Jennifer. I feel so alone. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I did. I don’t expect Jennifer to be my girlfriend. I don’t expect her to love me back. I just want her to care about me. I’ve fallen countless times, and never once has she turned back to see if I’m okay. Not wanting to lose her, I’ll pick myself up, and continue trudging after her. 

I’m a spec in her world, whereas Jennifer is my world.

It wasn’t always like this though. It wasn’t always this bleak or dark. In fact, we used to be friends. We used to be close. Then, being the idiot I am, I told her I loved her.

Jennifer hasn’t spoken to me since.

I wonder sometimes, why I follow her. She has nothing to offer me; she doesn’t care. She is the person who I'm hanging onto, but will never grasp. I trail behind her, but I will never catch up. I may fall, but she won't pick me up. She won't cradle me in her arms and calm me. I'll call out to her; yell and scream, yet, she'll remain deaf to my calls. I'll run in front of her, with all my remaining energy, just to tell her how I much I need her; ache for her. She'll push me over, walk over me, and pretend like nothing was wrong. I’ll fall and lay trampled, barely breathing, waiting for her to help me up. Not once, will she turn. Regardless, I’ll muster the energy to grab the remainder of my broken, bleeding body, and limp as fast as I can, because I can't let her out of my sight. I could die, and she'd keep walking; she wouldn't notice. I want her to stop. I want her to tell me she loves me, that she's sorry, and that she, too, needs me.

But, she won’t. I’m trapped in this dark, frozen wasteland. I’m trapped in this hell.

Everyday, I am here, being served nothing but frustration, hurt, and neglect. I feel nothing but the pain of my past; my mother, my father and everyone else who abandoned me. I relish in the shade, following the only woman who I've ever wanted. I follow her footprints, evenly stamped into the dirt. They provide a small hope for me; a kindling fire in my heart. They show me that she's still here, in range with me. I lock their image in my mind. I refuse to let it go.