The Understandably Unbelievable Story of How I Fucked Everything up

Part III - The Relationship Equivalent of Cocaine

So.... It took me 5 years to get over a guy and then like a month later I was falling for a man who's face I'd never seen before and who's name I didn't know. Maybe I was, or am addicted to love (and I'm gonna put the song on the side just cause (apparently, I can't) ). Or I just needed to fill out a void, right?

Well, if the void in my heart accounted for the feelings I was developing for this new guy, I might as well have been a black hole. Except, it couldn't be, cause I had never felt with such force in my life. It was exhilarating and at the same time terrifying. 

Things only got scarier after his declaration of love. Every odd second I'd get to myself I'd obsess over how it was possible to feel this way about someone I'd never met. But never having met him was also the perfect counter argument I used against my fear, because there's nothing quite as pure as getting to know someone's mind like that, with nothing to distract you from their mind's inner workings.

After actually establishing being in a relationship, we took the sweet talk and cheesiness to a whole other level. I don't know how, but he dug out the hopeless romantic in me, dusted her off and then gave her the controls to my mouth; or rather, the tips of my fingers. 

But despite all that, I was incredibly happy. I couldn't believe my luck. Being used to the steamy pile of shit that my life used to be, having friends and a boyfriend I was in love with was like living in a dream. We still talked all the time, more now, if anything. And I was perfectly content with spending a whole weekend in bed, just talking to my boyfriend. 

Eventually, he told me his name, and it was a huge deal. We talked about the future and how we could meet and what we would do and how we'd probably tear off each other's clothes on the spot from all the sexual frustration that was building up. And we both made a promise, that even things didn't work out we'd still stay friends.

But then life happened. We both had things to study for and we both had shit on our mind. Things were getting too serious too fast and in the end being together got harder. He felt like I was pushing him (and truth be told I was) and I tried to make up for it but it was too late cause that was all he expected from that point on. It's like coming down from a high, I still loved him, but I wasn't the same. I was sad and he... I don't even know what he felt like, I think I'd rather stay clueless.

I knew the end was coming but I didn't expect it to be so sudden. He said he'd drop all contact, and that he'd find me 7 months later. He'd said he would do that before but he never did, so when he actually went through with it I was devastated. It felt like we had had a year's worth of a relationship packed in 4 months. 

It was July when it ended. 

It was July when I lost any sense of direction and my life started spiraling down, unwinding me, slowly peeling back all the intricate protection schemes and magic charms and trinkets, until there was just my core left, lone and vulnerable, and the system shut down to protect it.

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If you get anything from my fluffy talk and my silly metaphors and all the poetic speech that flows out of my head sometimes just remember this:

My only regret about this whole thing is that I spent too much time worrying it would end and didn't enjoy it as much as I could have. It was one of the happiest times of my life and all I could do was worry.

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Also, this was one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. I know it's short and umm.. weird, but writing about myself at age 16 is like writing about a stranger. All the characters that have been caught in the strokes of my pen feel like much closer friends than this Iris I decided it would be a good idea to write about. Anyway, I'm gonna fix this chapter... at some point.

Oh yeah, and I made a cover! :D