Sleepless Nights //h.s

What are we Doing?

That night we sat around the fire. The boys tried not to ask me questions about that night but as the day was winding down I could tell the dam was about to break. I sat down in my chair around the fire pit with a heavy sigh.

"What do you guys want to know?" I asked, leaning back and folding my arms over my chest. I could tell Louis was about to let loose an avalanche of questions but Liam cut in.

"We don't want to know anything." he said handing me a cup of something warm. It smelled like vanilla. I realized it was tea. How very British of them. I smiled to myself.

"Of course you have questions. So let's hear them." I said absentmindedly looking down at my cup. The steam rolled off of it, clumped together then got sucked up into the cold night air.

"Why are you here?" Harry asked suddenly. I looked up at him. He was leaning his head into his hand which was propped up on the arm rest of his chair. He had this weird look on his face I turned away.

"To be honest I planned this trip with my boyfriend. When we well.. Broke up.. I uhh asked my friends to come. Last minute none of them could come and here I am. I didn't tell my parents I was out here alone though they probably already know. They've probably seen my friends around town but I uhh. I haven't gotten a phone call." I told them. Actually I haven't touched my phone since I got here. I don't get reception. What's the point?

"Do you hate your ex-boyfriend?" Niall asks.

"Actually.. Yeah.. Don't get me wrong. I loved him, we had a great year together but if he loved me as much as he said he did he wouldn't have tried to.. It would have been the farthest thing from his mind. He should have never..." I kept stopping and starting my sentences but the boys were nodding like they understood so I left it at that.

"Why Matthew?" Zayn asked quietly. I shrugged.

"I've always liked the name." I replied nervously, twisting the ends of my hair between my fingers. The boys were silent. "Is that it? Nothing else?" I questioned. They seemed to be all deep in thought.

"What happened to the guy who.." Liam started but didn't seem to want to finish the sentence.

"Jeremy?" I asked softly. Liam nodded. "He was sent to a state prison for three years. He won't come out til I'm starting college hopefully somewhere far away from my shitty little town." I mumbled the last part. Liam nodded.

"What happened to you boyfriend?" Louis asked.

"He's in another relationship with this senior." I replied waving away the thought. I didn't want to talk about him. Thing of the past. I didn't care about him anymore I had my heart set on something else. I met Harry's eyes. He was scanning my expression, leaning forward, arms on his knees propping up his head in one hand thinking critically. I turned away.

"Are you glad he's in jail?" Zayn asked quietly. I thought for a moment before shaking my head.

"No. No.. Jeremy. He was a good guy before he got hurt. He was nice..." I said twiddling my thumbs.

"He shouldn't have been drinking." muttered Harry angrily. I shrugged. A lot of things could have been done that weren't. Jeremy shouldn't have been drinking. Maria should've stayed. I should've gone into that Walmart. My mom should've gotten there earlier. More police should have been around. There was nothing they could do about it now though. Nothing they could say to make it all go away. Things happened the way they did because that's how they were suppose to happen. I'm not a big believer in God but I am a big believer in fate and destiny. We were quiet. I guess they didn't have anymore questions.

The conversation slowly drifted to something else. Better times, with different people. I zoned out focusing on the flickering flames of the fire. I could feel Harry's eye's on me but I didn't meet them. He kissed me today again. Or I kissed him. I forget. It's hard to think when kissing him. My brain gets all fuzzy and my hands tremble. I don't know why maybe because I don't want this. Maybe I don't want to get close to someone else ever again. My hands are shaking. I clench them into fists and stare down at my shoes. Without warning i stand and just leave their campsite. The conversation stops as they watch my retreat.