Bang! I could hear the piercing screeches as blood pulsed out of my family’s life. We had all been on our way back from Scotland, following a week of sheer amusement. What more could anyone ask for, than spending luxurious time with your true loved ones? I mean I would absolutely without any doubts ask for these days back, yet, unfortunately this is not possible for me. I was orphaned at the age of 13 after ‘the car crash’.
I wish we hadn’t gone to Scotland after all. I can remember so clearly, the continuous months when I had yearned to go and now here I loom, like a corpse, wishing time would go back. I’m not on constant medication as I was diagnosed with depression just after I lost my family; my mother,father,2 brothers and sister. We were like a family matched up in heaven, oh if only I had known that this is what was to come.
People always class the as ‘the lucky one’ this fills me with rage! Lucky? Why? Because I’d lost the people closest to my heart? I wish I too was prancing around heaven with them. Every night I close my eyes and try to sleep, maybe half a wink, even this is a task for me and why? Because of the traumatic flashbacks that play in my head, the car glides through mid air, the sharp glazes of glass slicing through the car and departing where I quiver in silence, and then, the gunge of thick, red, sticky grotesque blood slurping lazily onto the windscreen. Within a few seconds five precious souls were extinguished, if only mine was too. If only I could replace one of them, they would merrily have their lives back.
To this very day, I miss my parents and siblings, words cannot describe. I am home educated as I am too traumatized to take a step out of my front door. The only time I have been out in the last 6 years was the day of the funeral. Many people were gathered. I knew my parents were loved truly, yet no one cared and loved for any of them as much as I did. Throughout the service I sat clasping at my chest. The pain horror and shock had taken over my body. I walked past the pillars of the local Catholic Church on my way, to share with everyone the momentous memories I had in my heart. However I collapsed on my way. Everyone assumed that the trauma was starting to sink in but I wonder if it was because of the fact that I was too selfish and I did not want others to share these amazing precious times too.
I was adopted by great people, who think that if they try hard enough they can replace my lifeless parents. I assume this is just my evil thinking. Maybe I am just being hard hearted. If I have to go through this pain then why shouldn’t others feel some kind of pain too? I know that if my parents were here they would have not been the slightest bit pleased with my evil thinking. But they are not here are they? Although I feel all of these confused emotions I would never show it to my other ‘pair’ of parents as they have tried their best to raise me in the manner and offer me every opportunity. They have been extremely supportive especially at the early stages when we found out that I had agoraphobia.
Every day for about a week I would step out of my house and would have to be dragged in again as I would feel queasy and suffer major panic attacks. It was about a week later after not being able to go to school or anywhere else, for that matter that I was told that this was a phobia that I would have to live with for pretty much all my life. In the early days I would try to just step onto the balcony on the days of street parties but the sight of huge crowds of people would set me off.
I hope that although I am not living in extreme comfort, there are others out there appreciate the fact that they have a family lo love and care for. Whoever suffers from the illnesses that I do, can truly relate to and understand my situation and how I feel. Yet till the day that they lose their family they will never actually truly know how to cope with the day that faces them minute you open your eyes. For me, to show you care; cherish the best of your life.
