I dream about lambent palm trees below the flushed stars in the night. I see the boy I once knew full of jejunity. I remember my teenage mindset made my heart melt and my knees weak when he was mean to me. But I never felt more alive when he told me I was the only one for him. The street lights and signs for motels and gas stations radiated on my glossy skin. The curiousness I felt when he kissed me hard makes a fire light up inside my stomach that is so overpowering I can still feel it. I didn't know what we were doing because when you put the silly little midnight excursions into words they sounded like nothing, but they felt like everything. Sometimes there were moments of pure Ecstasy. All my life I was nostalgic for things i've never had and some moments gave me a celestial feeling and it was as if I had that life back. A tropical nirvana full of wild orphans and doe eyed dreamers shaping the night to they're liking. I was an angel soaking in the sin of the wanna be demons. But it wasn't until I put down the bottle of tequila and took my last doll that I realized that it wasn't a mistake. These people, these boys and there tattoos covering every inch of flesh that the lord gave them. These girls pouring beer in and letting vulgar obscenities out of they're perfectly painted mouths. They were me, they were the only happiness i've ever known. In the eyes of a perfect speciment of a human im a lost cause destroyed by freedom. But this is the life i've always wanted. Going to college and living the life you see averdized on TV is not success. Leaving behind the most exqusite story anyone's ever made is. Madness is my gurdian through the starry dynamo in the machinery of night that Ginsberg found me on. Heaven is a place my soul longs for but knows it cannot have. Freedom is the spirit that binds me to my carelessness that overcomes me time after time. Fear is losing the heavenly life I've made for myself.
