The Reflections Of Our Tears

Part Eight

Isabella.

-

Panicked.

Alone.

Betrayed.

Oliver.  Oliver.  Oliver.

            I couldn’t fathom a clear thought in my mind – no matter where my thoughts wandered, I always ended up in the same place – wishing I was with him.  He was the only halfway-to-rational thing I could think about, and even just talkingto him was completely irrational.  Yep, I was stranded in my own head. 

            Okay, deep breaths, Izzy.  What I needed was a game plan.  I couldn’t just sit here and think; that would kill me.  To distract myself (though only slightly, since I was still stuck on the same topic), I made a list of everything I could do to lessen the weight on my shoulders:

IZZY’S LIST OF THINGS SHE CAN DO TO KEEP FROM MENTALLY DROWNING

A LIST BY IZZY JETT

·         Call Oliver

·         Tell mom

·         Wait, and tell Debs at my next appointment

·         Don’t tell anyone yet, and make sure

·         Don’t tell anyone, run away, and live in a dumpster with a child I hate

·         (see number 1)

Then, I made another list – one of all the pros and cons to each option:

IZZY’S SECOND LIST TO KILL TIME AND ALSO BRAIN CELLS

A LIST BY IZZY JETT

1)      Call Oliver

Pros: have best friend again, he won’t get mad (well, maybe a little from before but not from this), he’d understand, he wouldn’t make me talk to anyone.

Cons: he probably hates me, don’t know where he is, tired & don’t want to go on a manhunt.

2)     Tell mom

Pros: she’s my MOM, she’s had kids before.

Cons: I will be in trouble for some reason or another, MORE SMOTHERING, I’ll have to talk about it a LOT.

3)     Tell Debs

Pros: therapist, has probably dealt with this before.

Cons: will, 100% no doubt about it no looking back, tell my mom (NO!!!!)

4)     Don’t tell anyone

Pros: no pressure to do the right thing, I won’t owe anyone anything, TY WON’T FIND OUT.

Cons: I am a small child having a small child, this is a clear issue.  Need I go on?

5)     Run away to live in a dumpster

Pros: ?????

Cons: A LOT

So, I concluded, the Dumpster Solution was out.  I decided to rule out number four as well, on the logic that I couldn’t hide it forever.  Obviously.  Telling Debs would be absolutely pointless because all she would do is give me mildly unhelpful advice that I could have found on the internet and tell my mother.  So I was left with options 1 and 2.  Call Oliver or Tell Mom.  I looked at the pros and cons list of each again, noticing that the Tell Mom pros were weak as hell.  Plus, I didn’t want to talk about it.  I didn’t want to be logical about it.