3 days after the party.
I haven't seen her since that night. I wonder what I did wrong? Did she not like it? Did I hurt her too much? Does she regret it? Shouldn't the roles be in reverse? Shouldn't she be wondering what I'm gonna do? If I regret it or if I'm mad because she didn't tell me? I decided to walk back home.
Before I opened my front door I saw a package propped by the door with note on the front it said:
Travis,
I want you to know the shit I've been through.
Marissa
I walked up to my bedroom and sat down at my desk. I ripped open the package and saw the notebook. I flipped the notebook to the first page, the first entry:
August 15, 2009
Dear Jesse,
I love you.
I will always love you. Even though you're not here sitting beside here sitting beside me telling me about your day. I miss you so much, brother. I wish I could see you again. I wish I could hear your voice one last time. I wish I could feel your warmness as you wrap your arms around me to give me a hug. I wish dad would of killed me instead of you. I know if it was like that you would probably be thinking the same thing. He doesn't stop, hasn't stopped, even though he killed you, his only son just because you were protecting me from him. Dad doesn't stop beating me. He tells me that it is my fault that he beats me. And I'm the reason why he's an alcoholic but I know it isn't my fault. I think the only good thing is that Mom has became a doctor. You remember it was her dream. She works all the time now; she doesn't want to be anywhere near things that remind her about you. She cries every night like I do when we "go to sleep."
I barely talk anymore and if I do it's one word. I can't believe it's only been a month. Guess what? I got into Berkeley. But I rescinded my acceptance. I think I'll go next year when things get "better." Class would have started today, but I wouldn't have been able to go to class. All I would be thinking is that this was our dream to go to this school together. We were suppose to have our twin moments when we met people. I would always hate it when people keep asking us if we were twins, it was quite obvious. Now I miss it. I miss you so much. Everything just hurts.
Marissa
I had no idea.
October 19, 2009
Dear Jesse,
I love you.
I miss you everyday.
It's over. I killed him. I killed dad, today
and by the way
Happy 18th.
Marissa
Holy shit!
The next page:
November 20, 2009
Dear Jesse,
I love you.
He told me it was my fault that you died. I was lying on the floor and he was kicking me. He stopped, told me I was worthless and it was my fault. He's never said that to me before and when he did I just snapped. I pulled my skateboard from under my bed and started hitting. I didn't stop until he stopped moving.
I went to court. I pleaded guilty; I'm not going to deny what I did. The judge ruled it as self-defense and I have to go to therapy twice a week. Mom doesn't know how to react to the situation. We don't talk much, anymore. We barely see each other.
Yesterday, I asked her if I could move into your room. I can't walk into my room without the memory attacking me and I have nightmares every time I sleep in my room. Sometimes, I would sleep in your bed, imagining you there to comfort me. Then, I would end up crying as I play through our memories. I miss you so much.
Marissa
Oh my fuckin god!
I turned the page:
December 25, 2009
Dear Jesse,
I love you.
Merry Christmas. I hope you're having a better one that I am.
I almost died today, twice. I stopped breathing and my heart would start to race. Then, I would pass out. It turns out that I have a heart condition where if my heart beats to fast it could stop. Also, there isn't enough blood going to my heart. Plus, I have to get new heart valves because mine have shriveled. (A/N: I completely made these things up.) So, I have to take medications four times a day just to keep me alive. I'm on the donor list. Now, all I have to do is wait.
Marissa
I never knew.
The next letter:
February 2, 2010
Dear Jesse,
I love you.
The wait is over; I will have my open heart surgery tomorrow. I'm scared. I don't know if this is going to make things better or worse. But I know you'll be watching over me and I'll be safe, that's all I need.
Marissa.
I flipped the page:
April 5, 2010
Dear Jesse,
I love you.
I lost my virginity last night to Travis Montgomery. Don't worry he was kind, gentle, caring and he didn't know I was a virgin until I cried out in pain. And he froze solid at that moment of realization. I convinced him since the deed was done there was no reason to stop. He kissed the pain away and made love to me. Even though he might think of it just as sex; it was perfect.
I know you probably didn't want to know this but I wanted you to be the first and only one to know. Also, if you're wondering we used protection.
I miss you.
Marissa
It was perfect?
The last page:
April 7, 2010
Dear Jesse,
I love you.
I've been thinking about Travis Montgomery lately. Not because of what happened at the party but because I want him to know what happened. I think the best way to do that is by giving him this notebook. I also, feel safe and I feel happy when I'm around him. Every time we touch I can't help but to feel on cloud nine.
I haven't talked to him since the party. I just don't want him to read this and not want to be in the same space as mine. I wish I could ask you for your advice.
Marissa
I will always want to be in the same space as Marissa's. And I didn't know I made her feel that way.
