Is This It?

I Do Not Know

This is suppose to be the happiest moment of my life.  I am suppose to be marrying the man of my dreams.  But he doesn't know the whole me.  I am filled with anxiety and uncertainty.  I don't know whether to walk away or stay in this forever.  Love is suppose to be God Damn simple.  Life is suppose to have these societal steps, meet boy, fall in love, marry, have babies.  Nevertheless, I've done some of those things backwards.  Matthew knows some of me, surely not all, if he did the proposal would have never happened anyways.  It's 8 a.m. some say a little early for champagne, but on the biggest day of your life, there is a pass. 7 hours until I am suppose to walk down that aisle, but a lifetime of past and future to think about. 

"Need a refill?"  Marissa asks.

I give  her a smile and tilt my champagne flute for more.  His sister towers over me, her being 6 foot, and me a measly 5'2".  His entire family is tall trees, and they've accept me and welcomed me more than any other.  Her sparkly blue eyes squint giving while pouring the bubbly, and hands the glass back to me with a splash of orange juice. She has no makeup on, like me, which is rare for both of us.  We first bonded over make up and eyebrow filling, mine a bit more natural than hers; but she has definitely learned. I try to avoid eye contact, my face cannot hide an emotion, my face cannot fake happiness or confidence.  There are words practically scribed on my face saying "S.O.S." "IDK" "HELP".  I can't look at anyone.  And of course the day, where all eyes are on me, I don't want any of them.

Sitting in my hairstylist chair, she just started detangling the knots my hair makes on its own.  I begin to think, I wish the tangles and twists of my life, would just detangle as quickly as the knots in my hair do.  So many secrets of my own, a few revised secrets out to my fiancé. I wonder if he only knew the truth.