A Penumbral Life

Chapter 1

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Alexei was sick. Again. It didn't matter how many times she said she was sorry. Mama still sat there, expressionless, holding his hand. Tatiana still hovered in the corner, worried. The doctors still buzzed around the room like flies. And Alexei still bled. Papa, Olga, and Maria were elsewhere, completely oblivious of the situation, for now. It was her fault. It was her fault that Alexei was lying there, bleeding, dying. She stood there, just inside the doorway, looking at her too pale brother.

She wanted to help, needed to help, but couldn't. Mama, Olga, and Tatiana were the ones that had been trained as Red Cross nurses, not her. She'd been too busy playing practical jokes on people with Alexei; too busy making him smile. And now, as his blood stained the white sheets crimson, dripped on the floor, and stubbornly refused to stop flowing, all she could do was stand there completely and utterly useless.

They had been playing. She knew Alexei was frustrated with being inside all day, being treated like a fragile, delicate flower. Their parents had ordered that no one was allowed to bring him outside without their permission. She'd wanted to cheer him up. No one would notice if they were gone for an hour or two. They had been trying to catch a dove in one of the palace gardens, when he'd stumbled and fallen. It was a small scratch, really, but once the blood started flowing, the severity of the situation dawned on her. He'd already lost too much blood by the time the doctors arrived.

Ordinarily, they would have called on Rasputin to heal him. He'd been successful healing Alexei in the past, but, due to his recent and rather gruesome demise, he was obviously out of the question. There had  been some speculation as to whether he had jumped into the over-sized meat-grinder or was pushed. And honestly, up until now, she'd been relieved that he was dead. He had always disturbed her. Due to pressure from her parents, doctors had developed an injection for hemophiliacs. It was extremely experimental, and they were currently arguing about the risks in using the medicine.

Moving deeper into the room she came to a stop beside Alexei. He was still conscious, a rather unfortunate fact considering the pain he must have been experiencing. Though she didn't ponder too long on that fact. Blue eyes clouded with impending unconsciousness, he turned to look at her.

“Do you think the dove will come back?”

His question caught her off guard.

“Yes, of course it will; for you.”

And she knew she couldn't let her little brother die, not when she knew how to save him.

“I'm so sorry, Alyosha.”

She was moving before her mind formed any coherent thought. Snatching the needle from one of the doctor's hands she moved to her brothers side. Turning his arm over she pressed the needle through the skin and flesh of his arm and into his vein. She squeezed the plunger down and injected the vital medicine into him. Taking a step back, she watched him closely. Feeling Tatiana's presence at her back, she moved to the side. They watched their brother carefully, praying, hoping that he would be all right.

She heard the sound of boots before she saw them. Papa, Olga, and Maria rushed into the too crowded room. Words tumbled out of their mouths; laid unanswered on the bloody floor. Silence followed.

Her papa filled it with unwelcome words.

“ What happened, Anastasia?”

The use of her real name made her cringe; reminded her that this was her fault.

Alexei grabbed her hand. The movement drew her papa’s attention to him.

Away from her.

She would have to thank him later.

“It wasn’t her fault, Papa.”

“Whose fault was it?”

No one answered. Their attention was drawn by the noise of Alexei’s blood dripping on the floor. Or the lack.

She realized she was still gripping the needle in her fist. Her knuckles were white.

Perhaps she wasn’t as useless as she had previously thought. Alexei squeezed her hand; she was crying. Tatiana turned and hugged her; whispered in her ear.

“You saved him, Nastenka.”

She felt two more pairs of arms go around her, Olga and Maria.

One of the doctors came forward. He examined Alexei carefully, occasionally poking and prodding him. He brought a damp towel to Alexei's skin and proceeded to wipe the crusted blood off of him. One of the maids came in with a bucket and mop.

“I'll do it.”

The maid looked at her with uncertainty before glancing at her Papa. He nodded.

The doctor stepped back from Alexei, turned toward them.

When he spoke his voice was monotone and dull. He didn't care.

“The injection has worked, Tsarvich Alexei will live.”

Though the words were spoken to everyone, it was her papa who responded.

“Have more of the injection made. And thank you for your service to my family. Russia thanks you.”

“Thank you, your Highness, I intend to do everything in my power to help your family; to help Russia.”

Slowly everyone filed out of the room until her family was left. The broom felt awkward in her hands; blistering them. But there was still more blood on the floor, so she continued without complaint. It was her fault there was any blood at all, after all.

Her Papa strode forward, lifted Alexei's hand to his heart; an odd display of affection for the Tsar. He stepped back and turned; looked at her a moment.

“Thank you, Shvibzik.”

Imp.

Momentarily, she wondered why he was thanking her. Even if she had saved Alexei, it was her fault he'd needed saving in the first place. But before she could question him, he was gone. Her Mama followed. But didn't look at her, didn't speak to her. Maria kissed her on the cheek.

“Don't be sad. She was just worried about him, Nastenka. You know how she gets”

“I know.”

“She blames herself whenever he gets hurt.”

“Thank you, Mashka, sleep well.”

Briefly stooping down, kissing Alexei on the forehead, uttering a whispered goodnight, her sister departed for their shared room. Olga and Tatiana came next. They each kissed Alexei's forehead and whispered a goodnight into his ear. They came towards her and hugged her. Olga spoke first.

“Don't stay up too late, Nastenka.”

“I won't.”

Then it was Tatiana's turn.

“You know, Shvibzik, sometimes I think Mama is too hard on you.”

“I deserve it.”

“No you don't, you make him smile.”

She stayed silent, watching her sister.

“ Goodnight Nastenka. I hope tomorrow won't be nearly as eventful.”

“Goodnight, Tanya.”

They smiled at each other. And then she was the only one left with Alexei. She turned back to him; he was watching her.

He smiles. And she thinks that maybe, just maybe all of this was worth it.

She smiles back.