Only What You See

If only it would disappear

      I woke up with a huge headache. My eyes were sore and hard to open and my throat was dry. I sat up dizzily. I didn't even remember going to my bed last night. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 1 in the afternoon.

    It was then when I relized what was happening, I just wished it wasn't. My mom wasn't bugging me to wake up like she normally was after my Dad woke her up...because my dad never woke her up... and he never would again. I fought back the tears that threatened to spill over.  I refused to cry.  I couldn't help but hope that I was asleep right now and I would wake up to see my Dad taking my picture in my sleep to tease me with.

I knew I wasn't.

I got dressed in the first things my hands touched, not even caring what it was, not even carin enough to see if it even matched. I felt hopeless. I trudged into the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair quickly then headed downstairs. Everything seemed really quiet. I relized my mother was still asleep. I creeped into Mary's room and I could see she was awake. she was looking out the window like she did everyday when she was waiting for Dad to get back from work. I walked over to her and kneeled down next to her.

"When's Daddy coming home?" She asked me looking at me with her big brown eyes. This little girl just broke my heart. I blinked away tears.

"He's not coming home Mary." I whispered sadly not wanting to see the look on her face. I felt a small warm finger on my cheek stopping a tear. I looked up to see Mark whiping away my tears.

"Don't cry. Why isn't he coming back. did he go on a vacation?" She asked me. I d pulled her into my lap and let a few more tears fall.

"Ya, He's on a forever vacation," I said to her. "

"What's that? Why didn't he take us with him?" She asked me.

" A person goes on a forever vacation when they're done here. they go there and do happy and fun stuff, all their favorite things and they wait for all the people they loved to be done here so they can join them on the vacation." I told her.

"Do you think Daddy is taking lots of pictures to show us when we get there?" She asked me. I smiled a bit and nodded.

"His camera will be full of em." I said to her. "Why don't you go play."

She ran off to play while I mopped. I woke my mom up but she wasn't really there. I hoped this wouldn't last much after the f...f...f... feunral... I could barley say the word. I was still expecting him to charge throuh the front door and let Mary run into his arms.  but I knew that wouldn't happen.

My aunt Liz would be picking us all up in an hour, she knew that neither my mom or I would be in any condition to drive. As much as I wanted to curl up into a ball under my covers and cry my heart out I had to get Mary and my mother ready. I sent my mom to go bathe and I layed out her clothes. I went to Mary and started a bath for her laying out her outfit as well.

      Next I went to my bathroom and took a shower. I stood in the scorching hot water longer than I needed to and it burnt my skin but it was nice, nice to actully feel something. I washed my hair with my strawberry shampoo and then rinsed it and got out.

          I wrapped myself in a towl and went straight to the closet. I pulled out a black lace dress that went a little past my knees. It had always been my favorite dress. I slipped it on and brushed though my hair not really caring enough to put it up in anything fancy I put on a tiny bit of eye liner then looked in the mirrior. I was the perfect somber mournful picture. one that I would edit in black and white and only leave to color of my eyes or all black and white with the focus set on the tear that left a trail down my cheek. I quickly shook the tears away and went to finish getting Mary ready. I couldn't let her see me cry again.

I got Mary ready and did up her hair and even let her borrow a bit of my makeup. I was to upset to deney her the use of my lipgloss and a bit of mascara. I did my mom's hair as well just in time for my aunt to get there.

We pulled up to the cemetary. I could see people already starting to gather. I felt a sharp pang in my heart when I saw the large closed coffin in the middle of all the chairs down the hill. This would be one of the pictures I would take from a high up view on the hill so you could see everyone coming in to see my father. Then I would edit it into Sepia and instead of making my fathers coffin the focus I would make the focus my family walking to it the focus, not a major one because i still wanted the rest of the picture seen but a subtle enough focus that you could see my almost not there mother who seemed like a zombie, my bouncy clueless happy sister, and the robotic me with a tuff expression painted on my face so no one would see me cry.

We walked down to the chairs and sat in the first row and waited for it to start. I could feel small tears leaving warm wet trails as they trickled down my face. Soon it began and when it was over and after he had been lowered into the ground I went to the hole and placed a picture we had taken together with my very first camera and I placed it on top of the coffin. I began to cry more as I sprinkled some dirt in the hole. My mother was expected to do the same but couldn't stop sobbing long enough. Mary did but I wasn't sure she fully understood what was going on.Then we left. Left to let them put my happy, jolly, smiling, cringle nosed father in the ground forever.

When we got home I fed Mary some soup a neibhor had given us. My mom seemed to have woken up a bit and took Mary to get her ready for bed afterward. I was in no mood to eat myself so I went to my room and kicked me shoes off and crawled into bed still in my dress.

I was having a horrible nightmare. My father and I were in the print shop but it was like every few seconds it was like a camera would flash ebbing the image in my mind forever. I was only about 10. My dad and I were laugh and giggling over something fun,carefree, and pointless. Suddenly a man walked in. I didn't like him. Snap, another picture taken. He pulled something out of his pocket. Snap, another picture. I pulled on my daddy's arm. "Come on daddy! let's go home!" I begged. but I was no longer there. just watfching from a distance. not there to pull him out. I saw the man pull out a gun. Snap, another picture. I cringed. He barked something at the man at the register. The man did as he asked but then he shot him. The man at the register fell back in a bloody mess. Snap, another picture. Next the man with the gun turned and saw my dad just as my dad was about to run for it. RUN DAD RUN!! I thought I willed myself to scream. THe man raised the gun and pulled the trigger. Snap, another picture. It was slow motion now. The bullet cutting thought the air followed by a second as they played follow the leader right to my dad. The first bullet cut through his back and I cringed at the blood. Snap, another horrible picture. The second bullet went in shortly after adn my dad screamed in agony and blood shot everywhere as he colopsed. Snap another Frikin picture.

I woke up screaming and breathing hard. I turned to see Mary standing next to my bed holding her bear.

"I'm scared. I want daddy back" She said pouting close to tears. so she finally saw that he was gone? I couldn't help but relese the dam that had been keeping my tears back. I pulled her onto the bed with me and hugged her tightly as we both sat there sobbing together until our eyes were to dry , then we just  sat whimpering to eachother. beggin for him back.