The hobbit: an unexpected mushroom

The Hobbit: The desolation of mushrooms

A/N: So here we are. The second part if our mushroomy trilogy. The desolation of mushrooms. Isn't this exiting Gollum?

(Gollum:"I came in like a mountain troll!")

Yeah yeah, well at least you are not naked. You still have your loincloth don't you Gollum? I wish Miley would get a loincloth.. She would look almost just like you then wouldn't she?

Anyways.. ONTO THE STORY!

So these huge birds fly away to eat some mushrooms and leave the Company staring, lustfully, at the lonely mushroom in the distance. Then they begin to set off to the home of Gandalf's former boyfriend, Beorn. Sadly Beorn is really a huge, vicious dog who scares the company and chases them back to its house before rushing off to try and kill Voldemort's cousin (aka, Azog)..

While Beorn try's (and fails) to kill Azog, Gaddy explains that Beorn is a skin-changer with an unpredictable temper. Then he sends them off to bed.

In the morning, the company wake to find Beorn and Gaddy having a cozy conversation about orcs and Beorn sends the company on their way with a large supply of honeyed mushrooms to eat on the road.

Gandalf accompanies the company to the edge of a dark forest, filled with tempting but poisonous mushrooms. He then explains that he has to leave to find out the true identity of this dude called the Necromancer. Gaddy warns the company not to leave the pathway through the forest as they would lose the path forever...

Bombur the dwarf is in charge of carrying their supply's of mushrooms but he drops a bag and they have to circle back to get it. In their search for the Mushrooms, the company leaves the path, they see webs hanging from tree to tree but can see no spiders. It looks remarkably like the scene from Harry potter and the chamber of secrets where they go into the forest and Ron pisses himself...

Bilbo climbs a tall tree to try and get them un-lost. He sees a load of flying mushrooms that look suspiciously like butterflies. He calls down to the company to tell them which direction they must go in but there is no answer. When he looks down, his legs are covered in spider web and the rest of the company are covered completely by a swarm of mushroom-crazed spiders.

Bilbo cuts himself out of the web and quickly puts on Gollum's engagement ring to make himself invisible. He then distracts the spiders by throwing a stick around and stabs one spider that remains. He decides to name his sword sting (well it was either that or Sword-That-Glows-When-Orcs(or Goblins)-Are-Around..)

He then cuts the dwarves free and they do a victory dance to the Harlem Shake.

But they celebrate too soon as they are attacked by spiders on every side before being miraculously rescued by a hot elf dude who threatens to kill them..

The elf dude (Legolas) takes them prisoner before dragging Thorin before the king to be questioned. Thranduil offers to let the company go free if they give the king some beautiful white mushrooms from the dragons hoard. Thorin refuses and is shoved into a cell along with the other dwarves. A female elf named Tauriel is summoned before the king who kindly tells her that his son, Legolas, has a crush on her but that if she touches him the king will punish her most horribly. What a nice guy! Tauriel hurries down to the dungeons and talks at length with Kili about stars. Then bilbo puts on his ring, gets the guy with the keys to the dungeons drunk and releases the dwarves. He hurries them into the cellar and stuffs them into some empty barrels formerly used to transport mushrooms. He shoves the barrels into the lake and jumps in after them. Sadly a load of orcs try to kill them and Kili is shot in the arm while opening a gate. Luckily Tauriel fights off the Orcs so that they can float safely further down the river. The dwarves pay off a man called Bard to take them to Laketown in his barge. What fun!

After all that kerfuffle the dwarves just want a nice sleep but sadly Bard has to hide them in barrels of stinky fish and smuggle them into Laketown so that the master of Laketown doesn't find out about them. But the master does find them (his name is Steve) and he turns out to be okay with them travelling to the mountain. The only person against it is Bard who says they'll 'BRING DESTRUCTION UPON US ALL' etc etc. What an idiot.

They walk to the mountain, but when they get there the idiots can't see the front door. They get annoyed and nearly throw away the key before Bilbo notices the door was right in front of them and opens it.

Smaug is actually a good lad, as dragons go. His mother taught him well and he and Bilbo talk about food for a while before Bilbo gets up and leaves. Unfortunately, Bilbo accidentally got some valuable gold toilet paper stuck to his shoe and Smaug breathes fire at him angrily because he wants it back. After a brief battle with the dwarves, he flies off to kill Bard and steal his Toilet Paper instead.

A/N: Okaaaaaaaaay.... Yeah. This is totally quality literature. I deserve an Oscar. Or a Nobel prize. Or both. Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna leave now. Bye.
-Snitchqueen