Survival Series

Blackouts

Okay, so this is for those times when you have a blackout. Well obviously! What I meant to say was that this was for a blackout where you look out the window and the rest of the street has there lights on, and it's oddly -just your house. No rain. No wind. No lightning. No clouds. So you wonder, how the fuck did only your lights go out? Well, this could be used for those situations where it's all the houses, but what's the fun in that?

One word. RUN! Your doomed! You think this a coincidence that only your lights are going out? Well it could be, but that wouldn’t be nearly as fun as it would if a killer was after you.

Okay, ignore the first point, I've been watching too many scary movie trailers. That’s right, I can't even bring myself to watch the actual movie.

So there's a creaking coming from the attic that you didn't realise your house had? Unless your feeling extremely suicidal and sick of life, do not for the love of common sense go to check it out. YOUR GONNA DIE!

There is only ever one time where you can go into the attic or the basement and come back out alive, and that's in movies. Are you in a movie? No. So don't go all macho on me and have a peek at what's there. No-one will be there to witness you going out as a hero, and no-one is there to hear your blood curdling scream when you find a dude with a chainsaw and he starts hacking you to death. Keep that in mind.

Dear god, this is common sense, but for the love of your life, don't have a shower! You can't possibly be that dirty that you absolutely must have a shower amidst a blackout in which your house is the only victim. ARE YOU SUICIDAL?! Unless you have been rolling around in horse shit that eloped with a skunk, you do not have a shower, even than you still don't do it.

I just feel the need to repeat the previous point. DON'T HAVE A SHOWER! Do you want some scary fuck to pull back the shower curtain and stab you to death? Do you want to come out of the shower and come face to face with your misted up bathroom mirror that has the words 'look behind you' written in glow in the dark blood? Do you want to come out and step blindly into the trap of a mass murderer that escaped from prison yesterday and is out for revenge on the human race? NO! SO STAY AWAY FROM THE SHOWER!

The best thing to do in this situation is to get out of there. Fast. Run outside screaming bloody murder if you must. Just. Get. Out. Of. There.

If you do end up deciding that you will check out that knocking from the basement, at least have the liberty to call the police, telling them that you will be horribly tortured and murdered, and that they are likely to find you buried in some bushes in the middle of the desert. Than call the ambulance to give them a little heads up that they need to clear a bed to lay your horribly mangled body on. Oh, and just to be a sweetie, call the cleaners and let them know that you will be requiring their services in about 7 hours, you should be dead by then, and tell them about the bloody mess around the house, telling them to take into account various body parts scattered around, the bloody scratch marks on the floor, and the pools of blood here and there and that the money is on the table with a generous tip.

Feeling like a hero? Feel like you can tackle the world, and still have enough energy to play hide and seek with some aliens on Mars? Don't. Just ditch the feeling while your still ahead. And by ahead, I mean alive. And by alive, I mean not lying bloody and mangled somewhere in the rainforest, with several body parts missing. Just ditch it.

Okay, so you feel something isn't right and there might be like a killer hiding in your oven. Wise thinking. You know what isn't wise? Grabbing a knife. Like really, a knife? What the hell are you going to do with a knife? You are an average human being, one with no experience whatsoever in the art of mastering the use of weaponry, and you think a knife is going to protect you? We are looking at a possible murderer/rapist/torturist/pedo/tourist lurking about your house, maybe armed with an array of daggers, chainsaws, guns and much more, and you have a knife. So tell me, what do you plan to do with that almighty knife of yours? Take a swipe at the person and than they will just drop dead, with you the hero? Wake up- the worst damage you will inflict will probably be to yourself. Remembering that your in the dark, and they will most likely have night goggles. So your screwed.

*This is some tips on what you should and shouldn't do if your with a friend*

Don't have sex. I mean I know what your thinking, 'hey, it's a blackout and I'm feeling horny, you wanna do it in the dark?' BAD IDEA! You are just asking to get raped. Literally, begging. How dumb could you get? If a rapist is lurking in your house, the last thing you wanna do is encourage them, and by encouraging them I mean getting all naked and horny, making their jobs a thousand times easier. Okay, so what if its not a rapist? What if it’s a murderer? Well same rules apply. No sex. Come on, like seriously, firstly, the noise will attract them to your hiding place, secondly, are you really willing to try and fight back when your butt naked? You will be screaming and covering yourself up, thus getting you killed quicker, and if the person is a necrophiliac, than you'll get yourself raped as well. 

If your friend is offering to go check out the noise from the basement, let them. Yeah, they will be missed, and their death will be tragic- but hey! They wanna be the hero, than let them. It's their doom. Especially if you have tried telling them not to go. And anyway, it buys you some more time to get your ass out of there while your still alive. Bid them farewell and salute them into their demise, telling them that they will be missed dearly and you will spread the word of their heroic death, somehow twisting the story in your favour to make you look like the hero.

Hey, so your friend decided to go shopping before the blackout, and they happen to bring you an awesome book that they bought from the crazy old lady in the alley that has 50 cats, and they want you to take a look at it. Fair enough, it's a blackout and there are no signs of murderers yet, so you shine your phone light on the book and realise that there are Latin words all over it, three words. DON’T. OPEN. THE. BOOK! Are you crazy?! Latin? It's a dead language for a reason!  So back away from the book and slowly put the book down, destroy it. NOW! Do anything. Beat it with a baseball bat, cook it, boil it, slow roast it, make a bonfire, bake it, fry it, rip it up and scatter a little in different parts of the globe. ANYTHING!

As the old saying goes. If you can't beat them, join them. And I intend to! If joining the murderer in his plan of world domination is going to save your life, than go for it! Well what are you waiting for? Go get a white bed sheet and start waving it around like crazy, screaming out 'surrender', and pray for your life that they hear you before they kill you.

A/N So what do you think? Feedback people and if anyone has ideas for future scenarios lemme know! Comment and vote my lovelies.