Savages

13: Burdens

All hell broke loose. Well, if you define hell as the longest, most awkward silence in the history of mankind, then everyone saying exactly the wrong thing.

"You're skitting joking." Merle spoke first, and her tone was horrified.

"Oh skit." That was Gaen. "Oh hell guys. Oh no. We can't deal with this. What are we going to do? This is really, really bad."

Hegri frowned at them pointedly, and said, "No, it's great, Lintie. I think it's great. Don't listen to them. Congratulations." His tone of voice suggested it wasn't a surprise. He was clearly better at keeping Lintie's secrets than she was his.

"It's not great," Gaen shot back. "How the hell can we deal with a baby, out here?"

"We're just kids," Merle's eyes were wide with disbelief. "Kids shouldn't be having kids."

Deera, Lulu and Pii were conferring in Tvu. Pii looked questioningly from Lintie to Lulu, then acted out rocking a baby in her arms.

Lulu nodded, and the younger girl said something, laughing.

"She say... happy... baby," Lulu said to Lintie.

"Very good to you," Deera added, although her smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

Pii seemed happy though, repeating something in Tvu, rocking her imaginary infant in a grinning little dance. Lintie smiled weakly at her, her eyes glossy.

Everything was happening at a distance from Judit, slow and muted like she was underwater. She sat there, her senses dulled, struggling to breathe.

"Skit," Gaen said again, next to her.

"For God's sake, Gaen," Hegri snapped at him.

"We're not prepared for this." Gaen went on, panic rising in his voice. "We can't handle this. How are we supposed to handle this?"

"Kin, please. Don't," Brock said to Gaen weakly, and the sound of his voice nearly broke Judit's heart.

"You're definitely gonna have to go on that supply run, now," Jaddy observed quietly. "For like baby stuff. Stuff what babies need."

"Like what?" Merle addressed Jaddy with unnecessarily hostility. "What do babies need?"

"Nothing." Lintie's chin was shaking. "They just need love and their mummies and daddies, that's all."

"What about nappies and that? Milk? Dummies? Special towels wi' a hood on one corner? Creams for their bums? Cots? Things what you hang 'em in off doorways? When my sister had a baby she bought licit loads of dag," Jaddy said.

"Medicines," Gaen said. "What if it's sick? What do we do then?"

"For skit's sake, I asked you not to." Brock had risen up and was facing Gaen now, his fists clenched, face pale under his wild curls, voice shaking. "Can't you see you're upsetting her? Why are you doing this?"

"You know why!" Gaen shouted at Brock. "You know—"

"Don't!" Brock roared back. He was trembling, and just hearing him had pinching fingers tearing Judit's heart apart. "Just shut up." Brock choked on his words. "Shut up, Gaen! Shut up!"

"Don't talk to him like that!" Merle cut in, pointing an angry finger at Brock. "You know he's right. You know this isn't—"

"I can't believe you two." Brock shook his head, and the look on his face took a cleaver to those torn-up pieces of Judit's heart. "This is hard enough without you, my skitting family—"

He was cut off by a loud sob from Lintie. She sat down on the bench with a bump, her breath catching, hands over her face.

Brock stood for a second looking totally lost, then stepped towards her, put his hand on her shoulder hesitantly. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean..."

"Don't," Lintie pulled her shoulder away from him, her voice high. "Don't even touch me. I can't believe... you just... hard enough. You've made it clear... how you feel... What a burden I am." Her voice was broken by sobs.

He reached out to her again and she jerked from his hand. "Leave me alone! Get away from me!" she shouted, not looking at him. Her sobs redoubled.

Hegri and Lulu stepped towards Lintie, wrapping her in soothing arms and sympathetic words that seemed to do little to cheer her troubled mind. She was crumpled on the bench, face buried in Hegri's shoulder, her anguished howls almost eerie. Judit's intestines twisted. Sannah was standing awkwardly by, wringing her hands and biting her lip.

Judit watched all of it from the other side of the room, unable to move, taking nothing in. She felt like it was on a screen, as if she was watching a play.

"He knows what I meant," Gaen murmured darkly to Merle beside her. "He knows exactly what I meant."

"I know, kin." Merle whispered back. "Course he knows. But what can they skitting do about it?"

"So I'm supposed to just pretend it's all alright?" Gaen shook his head.

"Yes." Merle said blankly. "Exactly that."

Judit's insides felt like they'd been hallowed out, left in the mud to rot. She was heartbroken, mindbroken, spiritbroken. She's never felt so unhappy. It hurt so much she just wanted to leave her body, leave her whole life. She would walk into the sea just to get away from it. It was all too big to handle, a towering cliff of adversity she couldn't scale. She was over faced.

But this wasn't about her. She couldn't care less about her own pathetic emotions, what any of this meant to her. That didn't matter.

It was him. It was Brock.

That's the thing with love, how you feel another's pain. Because Judit loved him, and she knew him, and she knew exactly what Gaen was referring to too. And the thought of what he must be going through right now hurt so much Judit could hardly bear it.

Her eyes automatically lifted to find his, to see how he was, see if there was any feeble way her stunted affections could help.

The room was in chaos: Lulu, Hegri and Sannah were crowded round Lintie, speaking soothing words; Pii was talking loudly to Deera in panicked-sounding Tvu; Merle, Gaen and Jaddy were arguing in hissing hushed tones. But there was no Brock. Brock had gone.

Judit stood up without hesitating, and slipped around the edge of the room and out of the slightly ajar byre door. She was gone before anyone could notice her leaving.

She knew it wasn't a sensible thing to do, that she shouldn't follow him. She knew they hadn't really spoken for months. She knew how it would look if anyone were to find them, together, after what had just happened.

But she didn't care about any of that.

Because she knew something else, too. She knew what this meant to him, and she couldn't bear to think of him carrying that burden alone.

The cold night air hit Judit like a slap as she left the blackhouse. She wasn't wearing a coat, and the wind bit straight through her clothes like they weren't there. She ignored it.

She knew where to go. She knew where she'd find him. She shivered, and headed for the woods.