To Save Myself

Part 1: Home

Part 1:  Home

The drive home was hell for everyone involved. Even though the sky was clear, a shadow loomed over the car and those inside, as Xander forced himself to fulfill Ava’s request. How could he not, when it was because of him that she almost died. As the hours ticked by, nobody spoke a word. The silence was deafening for everyone inside the vehicle. The truth was there was a whole in each of their hearts, all because of Ava’s fear. Fear has always ruled Ava’s actions, and returning home was the only way she knew how to cope with her feelings, by hiding herself away.

In the back seat, Grace slouched down, gazing out the window, ear buds in, and her arms crossed against her chest tight. You could see that she was locking herself away emotionally and physically from everyone in the car. You could feel the anger pouring out of her. She had made it clear that she didn’t want to go home, and felt her mom was running away from happiness.

On the other hand, Ava sat ridged, her gaze looking out straight ahead. She wasn’t focusing on anything, just looking out in the distance. Her eyes glazed over with sadness, as she fiddled with her hands on her lap. Not only could you see the turmoil she was going through, you could feel it as if it was your own.

Xander could do nothing by drive in silence.  Trying to keeping to his speed just under the posted limit, he didn’t want to reach their final destination; knowing the moment he pulled in front of her house, he would be letting her go.

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Pulling off the highway, I knew Grace and I would be home in mere minutes. Once Xander compels Grace to forget, he will turn and walk out of my life. I know I have to be strong. I have to do this to protect Grace. She can’t live a life full of danger and vampires. There is just no way to make this work. The only problem is, my heart is already breaking and to see him walk away may just kill me outright.

Xander pulled the car up to the front of my house, and turned off the engine. I don’t know what I expected. If I had assumed everything would have changed since we were gone, I was dead wrong. Nothing changed. Truthfully, we had barely been gone a week, but it felt like a life time had passed. In such a short time, I started to feel something for my vampire, but he was no longer going to be mine.

We all got out of the car and walked into the house, after Xander opened the front door. Everything was how we had left it. I don’t know why I kept thinking everything was going to be different. Maybe that was because I was different. Will I ever get myself back?

Grace walked right past us and straight to her room, slamming her bedroom door. Closing the front door behind us, Xander walked into the living room, and stood there staring at me.

“Well, is this truly what you want?” He asked.

Looking down at the floor, I was afraid to face him.

“Ava, look at me.” He commanded.

I turned around, unable to look into those eyes. Knowing the minute I did, I would lose myself. “Yes.” I finally chocked out.

“Ava, I didn’t hear you. Is this what you truly want?”

Gathering all my strength, I said with as much conviction as I could muster. “Yes, this is for the best.”

“Love, you know that is not what I asked you. I asked if this was what you truly want?”

Again I turned away, I couldn’t take this. I knew this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted him in my arms and in my bed. I wanted to feel his body inside mine, and I wanted to live forever by his side. The truth was, I was a mother. Grace came first. The problem was, if I could be physically hurt by those that claimed I am their mate, what could happen to a poor innocent thirteen year old? They could kill her without even realizing they were putting her in harm’s way. I will not let that happen. It doesn’t matter how much I love Xander. Grace is my life. Without her, I have no reason for living. Feeling the inner strength of motherhood, I turned around again to face Xander.

“Yes, Xander, this is exactly what I want. I want you to go into Grace’s room and compel her. Tell her that we were on vacation. That when she wakes she will forget about you and Nicole. Then my life will got back exactly the way it was.”

I could see the hurt in Xander’s eyes. “As you wish,” was all he said.  He walked past me and went down the hall and knocked on Grace’s door.

I followed him and watched him entered Grace’s room. Standing outside the door, I listen to what he told her.

They talked for a few moments about how he was sorry and how mad she was. Then he told her exactly what I told him to say. I stood there crying in silence, he would be out of here soon, and out of my life.

I heard him say his goodbye to Grace, so I turned and went to stand in the kitchen. He walked  in, the look of pain dripping off his face. “It’s done. Tomorrow she will wake up and think you were on a family vacation and will no longer remember me or Nicole.”

“Thank you” I said, as I looked down at the floor. I didn’t notice him in front of me, until he lifted my chin up, so I had to look into those cool blue eyes. Oh, how I loved those eyes.

“Ava, I love you. I know you are making a mistake. Remember this, I am your mate. So when you need me I will be there. When you decide to open your heart and let me in, I will be here. I will always be here.” He said as he grabbed my hand and placed it on his heart.  With that he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him, claiming my mouth. I felt my body go limp as I tasted his lips on mine. He held me in his embrace, I prayed that he wouldn’t let me go. Then as suddenly as the kiss started it ended. I was back on my feet dazed and aching for him.

I watched him turn around and place an envelope on the counter, and walk out my front door. I stood at the kitchen window watching him walk to his car, get in, and drive way. He didn’t  even look back. “He didn’t look back” I said out loud, as I sunk to the kitchen floor, broken, in tears.