Tutorial | Brendon Urie

Chapter Thirty One

                 

Falling asleep in someone's arms and waking up alone is probably one of the most distressing experiences you can have. And here I am, alone on the sofa in the dark. The spot beside me isn't even warm. I had been sleeping alone for some time. I raise myself off of the sofa and rub my eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness of the room. Whoever left me alone in here is an asshole.

There's slight snoring coming from Brendon's room, but Brendon doesn't snore. My feet pad lightly across the open entry way and I stop at the doors. They're already open, but I can't quite make out who's asleep under the covers from the doorway. I take a few steps in, peering over the stranger's shoulder to find a pool of blonde hair tousled and sprawled across the white pillow case. Spencer and Dawn must have claimed the bed for tonight. I slowly step back out into the house, sliding the doors as silently as possible.

I remain absolutely still in the darkness to pinpoint a source of sound to locate Brendon. Besides the gentle hum of the fridge in the kitchen, there's a barely audible murmur coming from upstairs.

Under every one of my steps, the staircase creaks uncontrollably, sending a violent echo reminiscent of a scary movie made for children, screaming through the quiet house. As I make my way closer to the top of the stairs, the murmurs grow slightly louder. Amidst the unforgiving darkness of the rest of the room, the inconspicuous glow of a red neon sign peeks through the gaps of the door to Brendon's studio.

Even though it was built to contain all sound, when I place my ear against where the hinges should be, I can make out a voice coming from the room.

My voice.

I wrap my fist around the handle and open the door to find Brendon sitting at his desk, clicking around on a screen. It looks just like the music software he uses, only what's coming from the speakers is far from aurally pleasing.

"Every day I'm with him, I think, a little longer, just a little bit longer. There's nowhere I feel more at peace than in bed with him or sitting in his car."

I open the door wider and step inside. Brendon clicks something on the screen and my crisply recorded sobs fill the air.

"Nobody's ever made me feel like that before. Just thinking about being without him literally makes my head spin because I know I'll never find someone like Brendon ever again."

The door closes behind me and Brendon spins around in his chair. Even from a distance, the redness in his eyes is undeniable. And it's not just his dumb sign.

"Brendon, I-" I begin, but he puts up his hand and stands.

"I've tried to tell you. I've tried to explain that I don't want to be without you." He moves closer to me. "And I'm going to try one last time."

"No, please you don't-"

He cuts me off again. "Grace, these past months with you have shown me what kind of person I am when I am in love. I've always been sentimental at heart, but I had never come to appreciate the nuances of another person like I have with you. I've fallen in love with every aspect of you and if I couldn't hear your laugh every day or see your smile whenever I feel like crying, I'm not sure how I'd cope." He's got my wrists wrapped in his fists. "Of course, the media and school and everything in between has been unbelievably difficult to deal with, but knowing that your company was the light at the end of the tunnel was enough to get me through it all. Nothing comes close to how strong you make me feel. I am so grateful for how much support you have given me through all of this and you're the only reason I am still here today. I would've left this town long ago, but the thought of leaving you drives me fucking insane. I don't want there to be a single day that I don't get to hear from you or see you or even be in your presence. Being away from you is being away from light and from air. It's being deprived of water and food. Being with you is different. It's being given the kiss of life, it's being blessed with all the riches in the world. Your company is a gift I'll never be able to repay. Every moment that we get to spend together is another reason that I am completely and hopelessly in love with you."

By now, any composure I had left in my body has made the exit. My lungs are slamming against my ribcage without a pattern, my breathing staggered and uneven. The tears are never-ending and my eyes are stinging. Brendon pulls my head into his body and smoothes my hair with his hand.

"Let's lie down," he says, moving us out of the studio and into the adjacent living space. He turns on a small dim lamp on the coffee table and sits with me on the sofa. He reaches a hand to my face and pushes my hair behind my ear. In the quiet glow of the lamp, his skin turns an unnatural golden hue, and his hair is lightly highlighted. His lips press against mine and our movement is calm, not passionate, not aggressive, but slow and careful. Nothing like our first kiss, but everything like our last kiss. Our final kiss. The goodbye kiss. But neither of us knew it yet.

He lays me down softly into the cushions, our lips just barely grazing. We turn on our sides so we're facing each other. I take another final look at his eyes behind my shadow and still, there's a shine from the remnants of his tears. He looks so perfect right now, so I shut my eyes. That's the way I want to remember Brendon, smiling at me, lips still plump and almost puckered.

We bid each other a silent goodnight with a deep breath and a tug closer.

Just like the first night we slept together, I can rest easy knowing his arms will not let me go until morning. These next hours in the darkness will be spent with none other than the man who changed my life, and whose life I ruined. For the better.

By the next morning, I had all my belongings at Brendon's packed up in my duffel before the sun even rose. Sneaking about such a hollow house with such great acoustics was definitely a challenge, but I managed to gather my things without waking anybody.

Once my duffel was packed, I had to wait for the first bus that would only arrive after seven-thirty, so I sat in the lounge room. I sat quietly, taking in every last inch of the house that I could see, begging myself not to forget. The white accents and clean, crisp décor of the house began to glow as the sunrise shone through the kitchen windows.

It was nearing seven o'clock which meant it was almost time for me to leave. I left my bag at the front door and made my way upstairs one last time to bid a proper farewell to my love.

There was no way I was letting him see me leave, so I rummaged through his desk in his studio to find a pen and a piece of paper on which I left a note.

Brendon,

This is so dramatic and cliché, but I'm leaving. I'm not just leaving you, I'm leaving this fucked up town. I don't want to live in a place that condemns someone as beautiful as you for loving something as insignificant as me. I'm moving into the city where my aunt on my mother's side lives. I didn't graduate high school, but that's okay because you don't need a certificate to become a director.

Please know that I didn't wake you because you looked so beautiful. And I love you so much, but I had to let you sleep. Thank you for showing me what it's like to have a strong and violent love that tears your life apart. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Thank you for letting me love you.

If you're ever in the city, give me a call.

Goodbye,

Grace

I fold the note in half and place it on the coffee table. I can't even stand to look at him again, because it'll be enough to make me stay.

Finally, as the clock ticks past seven-fifteen, I descend the stairs. One last look around the room before I open the door and lock myself out of Brendon's life.

My bags were so heavy, stuffed with weeks and weeks worth of clothes and my belongings. I didn't have to wait long at the bus station, as the driver clocked on early, thankfully. He let me load my luggage and sit in the cabin well before the actual departure time. I chose a seat towards the middle, at a window, of course. That morning, the sun rose on a day that genuinely changed my life.

I wouldn't be where and who I am without you, Brendon Urie. I love you.