Memories

An overwiew

It started early, a little child.
naive
My sister was my role model, my hero.
She figure skated I wanted that to, she was the hero in my little, perfect world.
I started it too, I was only two.
I've learnt it fast, I was good, perfect.
My sisters always had to carry me, care about me, played with me, helped me, educated me.
My father climbed up the stairs of career my mother a nurse, nightshifts was normal for both of them.
I had my three sisters, 7, 10 & 12 years older than me, lead me through my life.
I got older, I grew up, I got more and more successful into my figure skating, school started, I had more friends, I had ballet and did gymnastics , I've spent my life with my sport, my perfection, I participated in the German youth championships, I won.
Perfect
I spent my life with sport, every day serval hours,
better day by day.
I was the Perfect child,
Athletic, smart, popular, social, successful, beautiful, thin, smiling.
Perfection
I was my mothers dream,
the child she always wanted.
Till the age of nearly 10, my parents separated, my mother moved out, my day moved in.
From now I should live with my three sisters and my dad.
I thought it would be that way,
It shouldn't.
I stopped figure skating my passion.
My sisters moved out,
Sister by sister,
With the age of 12 I was alone,
Alone with my always working dad.
Met my mother every second weekend, the usual.
My father met a new women, she got his girlfriend and my worst enemy.
Got from my elementary school to high school.
Left some friends, meet a few new.
Started new sports and learned saxophone.
That's how my life went for another 5 years, till a day I will never forget.
It started as every Wednesday,
I went to school and afterwards I meet a friend, I cycled with he together from school to her home, we did some school stuff and played in the garden, we played in the garden till it was evening.
We talked about my mother while jumping on the trampoline, my mother the person I had a complicated relationship with.
I came home, opened the door and saw an exhausted father.
I wondered why and he said I should sit down the couch, my sister already sat there, red,swollen eyes.
What happened, what was the reason my sister and father cried?
Is some ill, the cancer Back again, does My sisters has a terrible disease? So many questions, but not the right.
As they told me what happened I was shocked, didn't knew what I should think, what to do, I couldn't realize it.
I know I have to cry, so I did.
I called my best friend and she came.
I told her something I couldn't realize, and even 3,5 years later I often still think that this was just a bad joke.
After this I start falling,
Deep.
My father had an accident, couldn't work and stayed home, I wasn't alone, he cared about me, 6 weeks later he started working again.
Deeper.
A circle of anorexia, depression, self Harm, OCDs, black outs.
Suicide attempt.
No one noticed, to much hectic.
I've lost my weight, I've lost my friends, I've lost my family and lost myself.
I got less and less,
I became visible,
They started worrying,
Times of weighting started, visited a psychiatrist nearly daily, contracts about my psychic.
One day after two weeks of vacations with my dad and sister, I was forced into a psychiatry.
Stayed there for weeks, lied myself out.
Outpatient, after a week inpatient, nearly dead in an hospital.
Stayed there for a month, they made me survived.
Directly from hospital my dad drove me to the clinic, I stayed there half a year.
Was outpatient for 3 month and inpatient for 2 again, outpatient because they couldn't help me anymore.
Started to visit a private boarding school, half a year later a relapse again, put out of school as it was to dangerous, forced to gain or put inpatient again.
Gained on my own,  afterwards times with ups and down, 3/4 year later a relapse again, thrown out of treatment, it was to dangerous.
Half a year out of school, my health was to bad again.
After this time I went to school again,
Again having ups and downs.
Climbing out of a relapse.