rose - ah&jl

rose

rose.
-ah&jl (lams)
-canon era (takes place at the wedding)
-tw for suicide & self harm !! (I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH)

—

The party was in full swing. Glowing chandeliers of candles swung elegantly from the ceiling. The smell of alcohol and overly perfumed flowers was pungent in the air. It was impossible to walk a foot without bumping into at least one drunken life form.

But he didn't join the party. He didn't let loose and enjoy himself. Instead, he stood in the corner of the room behind a marble pillar, mind racing. His eyes were red and his cheeks were damp; wether the crying was from happiness or misery was unbeknownst to him.

To the groom! To the bride!

His eyes were delicately trained on the groom. He watched how his eyes filled with happiness whenever he looked at his bride. How his long hair shone in the dim candlelight. How his smile was bright enough to light the whole room. A familiar nauseating feeling washed over John when he thought about the married couple. Jealousy was not a good quality. He pushed the feeling down like he was used to.

The attacks were bearable. Painful, but bearable. The first had been the worst, petals ripping through his throat and spewing uncontrollably out of his mouth. Barbaric, but bearable. He just didn't understand why it was happening. Until it clicked.

Alexander.

It seemed like only yesterday that Alex and himself were singing drunkenly in bars, whispering jokes in each other's ears and possibly flirting. Wether their relationship was just platonic or slightly romantic, John wasn't sure. What he was sure of was that he was in love with Alexander Hamilton.

He wasn't proud of it. He knew about Hanahaki Disease. He knew he was affected by it. He was truly disgusted with himself. He hated himself for it, for loving another man. He had to deal with the consequences. He had to live with it.

But living with unrequited love was next to unbearable.

He looked around for some kind of solace. Something to distract him from the pain, and his eyes immediately laid on Angelica Schuyler, drinking like she was also trying to drown her sorrows. Perfect. Her eyes caught his, and she walked over slowly, long pink dress flowing across the marble floor.

"John, I haven't seen you in a while, how are things?" She asked politely, and John pointedly made an effort to engage. "Things are... fine. But I want to hear about you-"

"John. It's okay." She said over him, her voice laced with sympathy. The freckled boy stared, confused.

"I don't know..." he trailed off.

She put a hand to his shoulder, something that was comforting but also screaming at John to run and not look back. Too late for that.

"Laurens. I see how you look at him. You look at him the way I look at him. With love." She said softly, somehow putting John's situation into much simpler words. John didn't speak. He just listened to her, shocked but curious. So she continued.

"I know how much you love him; in a way two men shouldn't. I can see it in everything you do. And I know how it feels, because I feel it too. And before you say I couldn't possibly understand, that at least the whole world isn't against our relationship and it couldn't end up with us being killed, I at least know what it's like to love Alexander Hamilton and him not love me back." She says, not a hint of restraint in her voice. She turns to face the boy beside her, looking deep into his eyes.

"And for that, I am truly sorry, John. I can't imagine what it's like to have the whole world against you, having the fear of your secret spreading, a secret that could end in death if the wrong people found out. But I will always be there for you, no matter if you choose to love another man or not. You're the same John Laurens to me." She smiled weakly, watching as John's face began to crumple, the reality finally sinking in.