Resisting Mr. Irresistible

Chapter 1

Justin Daniel Nealey 

March 23, 1989- March 12, 2007

Beloved son, uncle, and friend. 

I read his gravestone silently to myself like I’ve done every time I’ve been here. It’s been over four years since he has passed and my heart still aches for him. Every time I visit him, my heart starts to feel the same pain it did when my mom told me Justin was gone. I felt empty, alone, and sad. My heart still longed for him. But I couldn’t cry hysterically, I needed to be strong for him. He was watching over me and I didn’t want him to worry about me. So, I just held it in.

“Hey Justin”, I say as I trace my fingers over his name thoughtfully. I brush the stray blades of grass away from his stone,  “I brought you some white roses. Remember when you gave them to me on our first date?” I chuckle to myself remembering how nervous he was when he handed them to me. His hands were shaking. “You know, Beau helped me  picked those out?” I say while gently stroking our son, Beau’s head. He is quietly fiddling with his new red toy car on my lap. He doesn’t really understand how to feel about his daddy being gone but I’ve tried my best to let him know that Justin is up in heaven watching over us. Beau asks about him occasionally when he realizes that his dad isn’t physically here. He asks me about what he looks like and what he likes to do. I tell him everything. I gave him a framed picture of Justin to put on his nightstand. I want him to know how incredible his dad was. He’s 4 years old now. And the fact that he has never seen Justin in person or gotten to be around him makes him seem distant and detached whenever we visit Justin’s grave. And I get it. Justin is practically a stranger to him. But I hope that one day, he'll think of Justin and just know that if he were still alive he would've loved him and taken such great care of him. 

He has Justin’s beautiful blue eyes and my chocolate brown hair. Everyone says he looks just like me but I see a lot of Justin when I look at him. Looking at him know, he looks up at me raising his eyebrows slightly looking exactly like Justin whenever he looked up. And when Beau smiles, it's that same bright smile Justin had. The smile that reached his eyes. And it wasn't just his appearance, Beau's personality matched Justin's perfectly. When he talks, he's so animated and lively just like his daddy. He uses his hands when he's describing things. Beau was Justin's mini me. And though I wish every day that Justin didn't leave us that night four years ago, I'm so grateful he left me with such a precious gift. He left me the greatest little person in the whole wide world.

Beau took a hold of the white roses I held in my hand and set it down on his gravestone, while I ran my fingers through his soft chocolate brown hair, which was getting too long. Beau crawled over to  scatter the roses all over Justin's gravestone one by one making sure he covered the whole stone. When he finished, he quietly shuffled back to me settling himself back onto my lap. Once he sat comfortably, he looked up at me as if asking if he did a good job. I smile and watched as the corners of his mouth tugged up into the tiniest of smiles. I silently cheered because I've gotten a smile out of him. Outside of the cemetary, Beau is the ultimate chatterbox and energizer bunny. But once we step foot onto the cemetary, he is the complete opposite. I've brought Beau to the cemetary with me countless times in the past four years. When he was just an infant, he would usually be sleeping while I sat and had my talk with Justin. Then as a toddler, he was more mobile and liked to crawl everywhere. But once he was old enough to understand what it meant to behave he was extremely quiet and slow moving when we visited Justin. But I think the main reason why he was so quiet and behaved was because he was being cautious. Now, he knows that Justin is his dad and because he knows that he doesn't exactly know how to be. I always tell him it's okay to say something but he never does. I think he's still trying to understand the concept of having a dad who isn't physically present but in heaven. Beau is only 4 years old but when he is curious about something and really wants to understand he'll be cautious and approach it at his own pace. It must be really confusing to hear so much about a person you've never seen. That's why I don't force him when it comes to Justin. I'll do my best to help him get a better understanding of who Justin was but I'll never force him to accept anything. It's already too much for a 4 year old to deal with.